


an actor is an actor

by darkmochecoffee



Category: UNIQ (Band), VICTON (Band), X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Actors, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Sexual Content, They actually fall in love, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, discussions about the entertainment industry, seungwoo is perfect, seungyoun is adorable, slightly going to become dark, they pretend to fall in love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2020-12-24 17:30:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 37,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21103283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkmochecoffee/pseuds/darkmochecoffee
Summary: How does one fix a dating scandal?apparently, by casually instigating another one but with a good boy.//alternatively, actor Han Seungwoo's personal life is a press favorite. after splitting with his long term boyfriend and the nth dating scandal that follows, his company sets his next date in the name of publicity. enter Cho Seungyoun fun, young and far too optimistic for Seungwoo who's cracked in far too many places.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> THE RYEONSEUNG TAG IS SO EMPTY SOMEBODY HELP.

It is a fine day. The sun is bright, the birds are chirping and a certain CEO Lee absolutely wants to kill someone.

“That’s it!” A broadsheet is slapped onto the table. CEO Lee likes his broadsheets, they’re scandalous and dramatic. “I’m gonna murder him before he makes me pop a vein.”

The pretty wide eyed secretary he’d hired the other week hurriedly puts a cup of coffee on the CEO’s table. He stares at the newspaper in his boss’ hands and gulps. Smack dab on the middle was the most famous actor that had ever graced the industry.

Han Seungwoo is _the_ actor. At thirty, he is at the peak of his career with devastating good looks, award winning talent, and the most __i_nfamous _personal life that had shocked the country, six times to Sunday. He is the media’s flavor of the year, every other week an article comes out highlighting even the most mundane thing he does.

Until last month.

> ** **"Han Seungwoo spotted on another date. Is the country’s favorite bachelor off the market (again)?"** **

“Call in Hyunsik. We need to discuss this."

//

“You are so fucked.”

Seungwoo is on the process of putting his glasses on when the door to his flat opens without much preamble. Yohan grins when he puts the bag of takeaway he had gotten from Seungwoo’s favorite porridge shop on the breakfast counter. Seungwoo removes the contents from the bag, sighing. “Do I even want to know what this is all about?”

“Apparently the country’s favorite bachelor is off the market. Care to elaborate on this crudely put statement, Mr Han?”

Seungwoo tries to ignore the foreboding in his gut. Fuck, he really should not have given in. But alas, he is a man and a man has his needs.

If only Jinhyuk did not give up on him, on them. None of this would have happened.

But then again, Seungwoo has had enough. He had long stopped lamenting over the loss of who was once the love of his life. It stings when he thinks about him. They have been together for nearly four years, longer than any of Seungwoo’s past relationships. The most important of all, he was in love._In love goddammit. _

Along the way, he has learned to move on but not without consequences he liked to blame on other people.

The breakup was so sensationalized it could have been a prologue for a box office hit. The media made his suffering fodder for gossip and consequently pandered to mass consumers who had cried days on end because love is officially deceased. Han Seungwoo and Lee Jinhyuk were no more.

It had destroyed Seungwoo of course. To reiterate he was head over heels, fucking insanely in love with the music producer. And maybe just maybe he had spiraled into the most toxic version of himself because he wanted Jinhyuk to know _you caused this_. __Five months later he dates an actress; three months after, an actor; last night he was seen with a random hookup; and today his name is plastered all over news sites.

The country is once again in an uproar.

“Oh fuck.” Seungwoo says, still squinting even in his glasses. “The boss is gonna kill me.”

Kim Yohan had the audacity to laugh at his face. “Good luck, Seungwoo. You’ll need it.”

//

Seungwoo strides into the company building that same afternoon. He managed to avoid the paparazzi loitering around his apartment building by directly going to the basement parking. He blackmailed Yohan to drive him, because the ungrateful prick couldn’t be coerced through nice words. Seungwoo surmises he really needs a new set of friends.

He knocks on the boss’ office door. He fully expects to be put on the spot, grilled to high heavens and threatened to have all his jobs revoked. It is the proper decorum after all. Instead, CEO Lee greets him nicely when he enters. The man’s eyes looked halfway manic yet he smiles at Seungwoo and ushers him to take a seat

Sat on one of the leather chairs dotting the CEO’s office is a man that Seungwoo could swear he had seen herding the members of the agency’s new idol group just a few days ago. Seungwoo as expected, is absolutely nervous; his heart feels like it’s catching in the hollow of his throat. He composes himself and gives the man a succinct greeting before he sits on one of the vacant chairs.

“So, gentlemen.” The CEO begins. His left eye twitches when he glances at Seungwoo and Seungwoo fights the urge to cringe on the spot. “Manager Park has come here with a proposition to clean up your image, Seungwoo-ah.”

Seungwoo wants to scream, run to the other side of the continent and never show his face again. He should just retire from the industry and quit all this nonsense. Yet he manages to calm down, face perpetually set into a relaxed expression. It is what makes him such a good actor.

Grace under pressure.

“It is nice to finally meet you, Seungwoo.” The man says, “Just call me Hyunsik.”

Seungwoo nods, sufficiently intimidated by the constricting tension in the room. “What’s happennig?”

“We want to set you up with a pseudo dating scandal.” Hyunsik says, matter of fact.

“Excuse me?”

CEO Lee turns to Seungwoo. This time, he does not hide his displeasure. He shoots Seungwoo with such a hardened gaze that immediately seals Seungwoo’s lips shut and stops whatever complains he would have uttered. “You will listen to the manager, Seungwoo.”

Seungwoo fears for his life.

“As I was saying.” The manager reiterates. “What we’re about to do is normal in the publicity sector of the industry. It’s a win-win situation for everyone involved.”

“Pardon me.”Seungwoo says, unable to hold it in any longer. “But how are we fixing my dating scandal with another dating scandal?”

The manager looks at Seungwoo with such a knowing gaze and Seungwoo really is under the impression that he is soon meeting his maker.

“Frankly, your current image is a mess Seungwoo. Though we can’t deny that you bring in more than half of free publicity for the company. You’re everyone’s favorite gossip. Now here’s the catch, we’re debuting X1 with a few recycled members as you know and we’re looking at one particular person who’s willing to take the hit for the team and do this with you. As opposed to yours, he’s the epitome of a crowd’s favorite. He embodies the good boy image and has it perfected. Dating you will bring him the exposure X1 needs and you’ll win points from the audience which will eventually clean your image. See the point?”

Seungwoo is pretty sure that every word that came out of the manager’s lips would bring his career into a screeching halt and if he is particularly unlucky it would be his own ruin. He wants to argue but when he turns to beg for another chance, the CEO gives him another withering glare that goes straight to his marrow. His lips remain sealed.

“Cho Seungyoun is an up and coming idol. His fans adore him. Hopefully they also trust him and his taste. If it all ends up as planned, you can consider yourself with a clean slate.”

Seungwoo fails to unravel the logic to that statement. His brain had short circuited at the word __i_dol _and is most likely not coming online anytime soon.

“I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“We won’t be confirming anything to the media, Seungwoo. Essentially, we will be selling them an illusion. Your consumers love the mystery. It will be a little white lie to save your career. You should be thankful that Seungyoun is willing to do this with you.”

Oh great.

“Do I really have a say in this?” Seungwoo sighs.

CEO Lee gives him another soul freezing glare, “You should have asked that before you allowed yourself to be photographed last night.” 

Seungwoo sighs. “Alright I assume there is a nondisclosure agreement to all of this?”

A paper is literally slapped on the coffee table adjacent to Seungwoo’s seat. He signs without bothering to read the contents and throughout this process he thinks that he really has screwed it all up. He is losing his touch.

Right after, Seungwoo sees himself out while the manager opts to stay behind - something about needing to discuss things further with the big boss. Seungwoo just hopes that he’s not putting his career to rest soon.

He thinks about the names: Seungyoun and X1. The company hasn’t debuted any group in the last five years and the pressure that these people have gone through in order to step onstage and fulfill their dreams must have been immense. Seungyoun is such in a precarious vantage though Seungwoo begins to see the point, publicity is publicity. The stakes are high so the group must be incredibly gifted to enact such a risky move.

But still, it’s far too dangerous. It’s like having blood on his hands. The poor kid really should have protested.

//

Seungwoo darts into the hallway leading to a dance studio. It’s dark from where he is but the practice room is brightly illuminated. He stays there, not moving and wondering what in the bloody hell he is trying to achieve with this little excursion. But Seungwoo really wanted to get things over with and see the kid whose future depended on his career.

Seungyoun. He wonders who could the name belong to when he peeks inside the occupied dance studio. There is a very pretty kid with innocent doe eyes. Over the corner are a couple of teenagers huddled together and seemingly immersed in an odd game. The last few ones are laughing at a boy who is busy doing weird impressions and making ridiculous faces on the wall mirrors.

Curious.

Interest sufficiently piqued, Seungwoo watches the kids for a while and smiles at their childish antics. Then he knocks. Everyone looks at him when he steps inside, except for the weird kid who had seen him first and immediately proceeded to trip on air, falling to the hard wooden floor.

Pretty boy approaches his teammate and not so gently helps him up. “Seungyoun what the hell, you’re embarrassing. ”

Oh.

When Seungyoun stands up, the rest of the boys file in line and bow, unanimously greeting, “Hello sunbae-nim.”

Seungwoo smiles. O, they'are adorable.

“Hello. Do you guys mind if I borrow Seungyoun for a while?”

The one called Seungyoun nods. Seungwoo notices a few things about Seungyoun. He has beautiful eyes that crinkled into tiny crescents when he laughs, his cheeks seemed soft like he hadn’t shed off the last of his adolescent features, and his teeth are slightly imperfect. Seungwoo finds him oddly endearing.

“Sure.” Seungyoun says as he wrings his fingers together, “Sunbae?”

Seungwoo shoots him another smile in hopes that it would placate whatever discomfort he is having in these _trying times_.

“Are you alright? The floor obviously didn’t cushion your fall.”

Seungyoun nods and his cheeks flush pink. “I’m fine sunbae.”

“Okay. Do you want to grab dinner? It’s on me.”

Seungyoun nods, wringing his fingers like he doesn’t know what to do with them.

They quietly make the trek to the company’s cafeteria in the lobby. Seungwoo’s mind is still reeling that he stays quiet throughout.

“I’m really sorry.” Seungwoo begins after they order their food. “About the mess you have to go through because of my irresponsibility. Forgive me.”

Seungyoun’s eyes widen comically, “No sunbae. Please don’t apologize, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, did you have the choice to decline? This thing we’re about to do, it could be harmful for your career and it is my fault. You shouldn’t have been dragged into it.”

“I had. But they would still ask someone else from the group so I just went ahead with it since I’m the leader.”

Seungyoun has a disarming smile, it reminded Seungwoo of that kid he acted with on his last drama, Dongpyo. Now he wonders just how young the idol is.

“It’s alright sunbae. I trust them.”

This poor kid, innocent still and not as disillusioned as Seungwoo.

“How old are you, Seungyoun-ah?”

“Twenty-two.”

Seungwoo wails inwardly. They will be out for his blood. Han Seungwoo how could you allow yourself to stoop this low? You will taint him. You will ruin his career. God, they will be out there with pitchforks and burning torches.

“Jesus.” Seungwoo presses his face onto his palms and tries not to cry. Seungyoun looks at him worriedly and asks, “Are you alright, sunbae?”

Seungyoun really does not deserve to be tangled with Seungwoo. He is too kind for his own good.

“I'm alright Seungyoun-ah, do call me hyung.”

//

As expected of them, the powers that be come up with the most elaborate script of the century. The whole charade is worthy of prime time non-cable drama with how carefully it’s thought out. Seungwoo admits he is quite intrigued.

And just like that, it begins.

It’s a windy autumn night, two weeks later, when the act begins. Seungwoo steps off his vehicle in front of X1’s dorm (apparently X1 is Seungyoun’s band) and stares at the facade of the building, psyching himself. He is clad in an obnoxious outfit to hide his overly familiar face. A poor attempt at a disguise knowing that someone will eventually follow him.

He leans against the hood of his car and waits for Seungyoun as prescribed. The detailed dating dossier (as Seungwoo prefers to call it) did say to keep the vibe friendly but suggestive enough for rumors to begin. When he thinks further about it, it becomes more and more of a bad idea. He mulls through the pros and cons of what he’s about to do and slowly decides that he really shouldn’t be doing this.

He is about to screw it all to hell, when Seungyoun finally appears. He had on a beanie and a yellow sweater that looks far too thin for this weather.

Cheerfully, he greets Seungwoo in his naturally high pitched tone. Seungwoo cannot help the smile on his face; Seungyoun’s optimism is infectious and it is slowly rubbing onto Seungwoo and brightening his gloomy life.

He removes his jacket and casually slings it over Seungyoun’s shoulders. “You should have worn something thicker. It’s cold.” The tips of Seungyoun’s ears turn red. Seungwoo chuckles. Adorable.

“Let’s go.”

Seungwoo notices the paparazzo that had been following him, minutes ago. He tries not to get so angry about it since the whole point to this real life drama is to create a rumor anyway, but still, his blood boils. He does not let it affect the friendly vibe inside the vehicle where Seungyoun is humming to songs on the radio.

“You look tired, Seungyoun.” Seungwoo says and pats the idol’s thigh in a gesture of consolation.“You can sleep while I drive around.”

“I’m sorry, hyung. I should be more proactive about this.”

“If you insist.” Seungwoo says, “You can decide where we’ll go. Choose a place where you can rest.”

“How about my studio?”

Seungwoo nods. “Alright, lead the way.”

//

Seungyoun’s studio is a quaint place. Soft mood lights bounced off beige walls and the carpet brushed against Seungwoo’s ankles. He sits on one of the couches while Seungyoun goes to tinker with overly complicated musical equipment.

“Do you want to hear what I’ve been working on, hyung?”

Seungwoo nods. The idol seems to be really enthusiastic about his craft and Seungwoo is powerless to say no. A minute later, a soft tone reverberates inside the tiny space before a voice accompanies the melody.

“Who’s singing?”

Seungyoun fidgets on his spot. “Me. I’m sorry, I know I don’t sound that good, it’s just for the guide track.”

“You’ve a beautiful voice then, Youn.” Seungwoo says, sufficiently surprised at Seungyoun’s singing voice. “I thought you were a rapper. It’s what they told me.”

The way the idol handles compliments is truly adorable, he giggles and scratches the back of his neck like a confused little boy. God why is everything about Seungyoun so adorable? 

“I am. I don’t really sing much, it’s embarrassing. I’m not as good as the vocalists in my band.”

"But I think you do. In fact, I'm going to signup for your fanclub."

The sound the younger makes at the actor’s statement is truly, truly endearing. They listen to the song for a while. Seungwoo just watches Seungyoun and notes the way his hair fans across his forehead. There is something fragile about Seungyoun as if one little tap might make him cave into himself. Seungwoo’s guilt slowly gnaws at him, like an irritating insect underneath his skin.

“I’m really sorry about all of this Seungyoun. I couldn’t help but think that I might ruin your dreams and you’ve barely even begun. We could back out now, and pretend that nothing was ever said about this.”

“It’s really okay, Seungwoo hyung. We’re both using each other for personal gains anyway so it’s not like I’m any more affected than you. I try not to think about what’s gonna happen later, for now I’m focused on getting X1 out there though the means aren’t necessarily the most conventional. I trust that we’ll pull through.”

“I hope you’ll carry this optimism throughout your career, Seungyoun.”

“I’ll try. I’m naturally happy, hyung.”

Seungwoo smiles. “You should go to sleep. Tomorrow we’re going to go on the most enviable breakfast date that will make everyone in this country green with jealousy.”

//

**DISPATCH via NATE: Actor Han Seungwoo spotted on a date today. **

[+35890, -2392] _“Love really destroys, huh. When he and Jinhyuk separated he started acting up. It’s obvious he’s never been in love since.”_

_ _

[+24789, -3432] _“It’s a good thing he’s talented. All these scandals would have ended his career the minute they started.” _

_ _

[+18790, -456] __“_OH MY GOD CAN HE DATE ME TOO. HAN SEUNGWOO DATE ME PLEASE. ONE DAY ONLY. I DON’T CARE.” _

_ _

[+15671, -567] _“his flavor of the month is cute tho. Anyone knows who the kid is? Drop them deets.”_

_ _

[+12921, -345] _“wait, isn’t the boy a member of the new boygroup Swing’s debuting? He sure looks like it.” _

[+3456, -90] _“no kidding. Looks like seungyoun from the photo teasers._

[+52, -823] _“what the fuck, so the creep’s onto younger kids now? Go away please._

[+1256, -80] _“you people stop need to stop acting like seungwoo’s so old. He just hit his thirtieth birthday. Give the man a break.” _

[+8900, -78] _“boy sure looks like he’s enjoying himself. Seungwoo really is the nation’s boyfriend.” _

_ _

_ _

_ _

_ _

_ _


	2. Chapter 2

Seungyoun knows what his responsibilities are as leader. He needs to be the pillar of his group, he needs to be steadfast in whatever storms they may have to go through in their career, he needs to be always available for when his members need him.

So when Wooseok became uncharacteristically out of it during dance practice, Seungyoun immediately knew something was up. He had herded the kids to the dorm earlier than expected despite the protestations of their manager and when everyone were snoring in their bunk beds, Seungyoun had surreptitiously entered Wooseok and Minhee’s bedroom. Wooseok was wide awake.

“Seok?” Seungyoun murmurs in the dark. “You wanna talk to me about something?”

Wooseok rose and sighed quietly. “Lemme just get my glasses.”

//

The managers had talked to Wooseok prior. He was the best candidate after all. He was the visual, he had quintessential flower boy looks with the most amicable made-for-tv personality crafted to utter perfection.

Wooseok did not want it, Seungyoun knew even if Wooseok didn’t say anything. Before becoming band mates, they are best friends first and Seungyoun knew Wooseok will resent to be objectified like what their company wanted him to do.

“I’ll do it.” Seungyoun told him. “Really, Seok. They’d push it to the other members if you decline anyway.”

“Really?”

“Leader duties.”

Wooseok laughed though his eyes were glassy. “You’re the best Ryoun.”

“I know.”

//

Considered all things done, Seungyoun did not pay it no mind until that day. He had been sat in the CEO’s office while the boss looked at him and asked if he could take it. Seungyoun honestly was not that sure but he nodded anyway. All he could think about was X1, his younger brothers, and how they depended on him to handle the brunt of whatever the company throws their way.

“Han Seungwoo?” Seungyoun’s eyes widen, “_The_ Han Seungwoo, the best actor in this country?”

Hyunsik manager is three seconds away from snapping. He really doesn’t get paid enough for this. “Yes, Seungyoun. Why are you so surprised? Do you read the news? He’s been a mess.”

Seungyoun needs time to process things, though he is highly inclined to disagree. Seeing as Han Seungwoo has the entire country on the palm of his hands, it’s obvious that whatever involved him would sell. In retrospect, he is the casualty to this. People should just let him breathe; if he wanted to date a lot, that’s on him. He’s not a felon, he’s not doing anything that could remotely harm others. He deserves his space.

Seungyoun feels bad that he’s become another bullet on Seungwoo’s long list of problems.

I should treat him nicely, at least.

The first time he’d seen the actor was on Fashion week a couple of odd years back. Seungwoo looked gorgeous, his face had this ethereal quality to it - ethereal bordering on unreal. Seungyoun just stared at the actor who was sat across him on the other side of the runway. He will never admit it, but Seungyoun is a fan. He liked the actor’s face but then he realized that Seungwoo simply did not depend on his appearance alone, he had talent. Last year he had three blockbuster movies, a couple of musicals and a TV drama that was so popular it will probably be in the history books of the entertainment industry.

No wonder everyone wanted a piece of his personal life, anything to feel a little closer to someone who’s practically a living god.

Seungyoun had this preconceived notions so when he finally met Seungwoo, Seungyoun wondered why he’d thought that Seungwoo would be completely and totally unreachable.

He was making funny faces in front of the floor length mirrors in the hopes to cheer Hyeongjun. The young dancer divulged that he’d felt incredibly insecure about their upcoming debut, that he felt like he wasn’t even near ready. Seungyoun just listened because he knew that Hyeongjun didn’t need half-hearted assurances.

He’d looked like a complete and utter fool so when he saw Han Seungwoo who had stepped into their practice room unannounced, Seungyoun literally collapsed. Wooseok told him he was embarrassing, Seungyoun agreed with his entire being.

Han Seungwoo still looked entirely unreal. He was taller than expected, the planes of his face were perfect and his skin was unblemished. He could have been a breathing marble statue.

But then he smiled and Seungyoun knew that Seungwoo was as human as everyone one else.

//

Seungyoun wakes to pale flesh. Bleary eyes move from...a neck to a cheek then to…

“Seungyoun.”

The man is handsome. He looks like Han Seungwoo. Seungyoun giggles, what a good dream.

“Hey, Seungyoun.”

Oh look, the dream Seungwoo is talking to him.

Wait just a minute.

“Holy shit!” Seungyoun bolts up so fast he would have knocked his forehead against Seungwoo’s if the latter didn’t react fast enough. Seungyoun scrambles to move away from where he’d been cozily snuggling with the actor’s thighs. He bows repeatedly, “I’m so sorry hyung!"

Seungwoo chuckles as he stretches. “Let’s not sleep like this again, alright? I’m old and I get painful cricks in my neck.”

Seungyoun flushes in embarrassment. “I’m really sorry hyung.”

“I’m alright, Seungyoun. You were clearly exhausted last night, I didn’t want to wake you.”

Seungyoun thinks he is going to cry.

“Anyway, I did promise you breakfast, am I right? Do you have a particular place in mind?”

Seungyoun shakes his head. He’s still too ashamed he couldn’t even form proper sentences.

Seungwoo finally stands up. He ruffles Seungyoun’s hair and smiles. “You’re very adorable, Youn. Someone should have told me. I missed the memo.”

Seungyoun prides himself for not melting into a huge pile of Seungyoun goo at the praise.

Though, he comes awfully close to squealing like a dying pig.

The two leave the studio. Seungwoo decides to get breakfast from his favorite porridge place. The drive is quiet though not nearly as uncomfortable. Apparently, the both of them aren’t big morning people. From the shotgun, Seungyoun surreptitiously steals glances at Seungwoo. He notes a lot of things: Seungwoo wears glasses in the morning (he’d removed his contacts sometime last night and had worn the pair of glasses stashed in one of his car compartments) Seungwoo has a barely discernible scar on his right jaw, Seungwoo has lilacs and a crescent moon tattooed on his left forearm.

“Do you want to know what it means?”

Seungyoun chokes. He needs to cease being embarrassing soon. __Someone help. __

Seungwoo just chuckles. “I got it almost ten years ago. It’s for the people who’ve been with me from the beginning.”

“It’s pretty.”

“Thanks Youn, you’re very pretty yourself.”

Seungyoun actually squeaks. Seungwoo laughs.

Finally, they arrive in said porridge place. Seungwoo suggests that they hold hands for the sake of the charade. Seungyoun is tiny disappointed that it’s merely for the lurking cameras but he slots his fingers against the actor’s bony digits anyway. It’s comforting more than anything. Seungwoo rubs his thumb on Seungyoun’s skin - probably some sort of silent apology. Seungyoun takes the hint and he grasps the actor’s hand, just a bit tighter.

Seungwoo orders their food (he asks Seungyoun if he’s allergic to anything, first and Seungyoun once again prides himself for not melting to the floor) they head to one of the farthest tables where everyone can see them from the glass windows without overhearing whatever it is they would talk about.

Two big bowls of mouth watering porridge are laid on their table. Seungyoun fidgets on his seat.

“Do you not like porridge, Seungyoun? Do you want something else?”

“No hyung it’s just that-” _I’m too fat. Shouldn’t eat. Trainers said so. I’d look ugly in photos and I’m already ugly enough._ “I can’t. I shouldn’t.”

Seungwoo puts his spoon down and stares at Seungyoun.

“Do they still weigh you guys?”

“How did you know, hyung?”

“I wanted to be in an idol group, once. But I couldn’t live with how constricted the life was.”

“Oh.”

“Seungyoun, I can’t promise you that you won’t ever have to feel insecure about your own body. But truth is, it’s a harsh environment we live in and it will always be a part of the job, though on the negative side of things. But what I want you to know is that there will always be people who’d appreciate you for who you are and it won’t matter to them if you don’t fit into this stereotypical idol mould. You’re human, you can’t be perfect and that’s alright.”

Seungyoun might really tear up so he grabs the damn spoon and eats the breakfast he so rightfully deserves. Seungwoo smiles and ruffle Seungyoun’s hair once more. “And to prove my point, I happen to really like your cheeks. They’re cute.”

Seungyoun whines, “Hyuuung stooop.”

After breakfast, Seungwoo drives Seungyoun back to the X1 dorms. He also points out the cameras that have been following them since they got into the restaurant - there had been a lot. Seungyoun tries not to get too intimidated because he’s debuting soon and he needs to adapt to this life if he is to survive.

“Youn.” Seungwoo calls before Seungyoun steps out of the vehicle. “Be kind to yourself. Okay? If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here and though we’re caught in this screwed up mess I think of you as my friend.”

Seungyoun smiles at the actor. “Thank you Seungwoo hyung. I’ll see you soon.”

He steps out of the car and watches the black Audi drive away. His heart feels strangely full.

Wooseok waits for him in the dorm, intently staring at his phone.

“Seokkie!” Seungyoun greets as he shrugs off Seungwoo’s dark blue Balenciaga coat (Seungyoun knows, he’d seen the tag).

“Ryoun!” Wooseok stands up and barrels right into him “You’re trending!” A phone is shoved onto Seungyoun’s face where he reads about his and Seungwoo’s ‘date’. “Wow, they’re fast.”

Wooseok wiggles his eyebrows at Seungyoun. “Eh, you really looked like you were enjoying yourself.”

“Yeah I did.” Seungyoun shrugs. “He’s very kind Seokkie. I slept on his thighs.”

“Oh my god Ryoun! You whore!”

Seungyoun laughs. “What the fuck, Wooseok. I slept on his thighs, literally. Get your mind off the gutter.”

“What does that mean hyungs?”

“Dohyon how long were you standing there?”

Dohyun blinks, “Long enough to hear you ask Wooseok hyung to get his mind off the gutter. What does that mean hyung?”

“It means that your Wooseok hyung shouldn’t be so careless about his words around you guys.” Seungyoun says. Wooseok slaps his arm.

//

Seungyoun is perpetually tired these days, it’s like a personality. The debut is looming upon him like a sixty foot tidal wave ready to wash the entire shore away. He’s put up a front again, a curated mask. Even Wooseok doesn’t see through the cracks in Seungyoun’s armor.

Sometimes, it’s really hard to be happy. Don’t get him wrong, he’s never faked happiness he’s just very crafty when it comes to hiding his loneliness. He’s aware that he cannot show weakness in front of the younger members. Dohyon cannot know that sometimes Seungyoun is as confused as he is; Hyeongjun cannot know that sometimes Seungyoun is even more afraid of the inevitable future than everyone in the group. But in the end, Seungyoun grits his teeth and tries to be strong.

He sees Seungwoo again a week since their ‘date’ and he almost cries in front of the older man for reasons he can’t elaborate.

Of course Seungwoo picks up on his distress because he’s damn perfect like that.

“Anything the matter, Youn? Do you want to talk about it?” Seungwoo asks as soon as Seungyoun snaps the seat belt across his chest.

Seungyoun vehemently shakes his head. “Thank you hyung. Don’t feel like it, but thank you.”

“It’s okay. Say, let’s just screw this chapter of our goddamn charade, huh? What do you think?”

“I’d be happy not to get stalked today, hyung. To be honest.”

“I share the sentiment. Anyway, do you like kids?”

Seungyoun glances at the actor, confused. “Is that a trick question?”

“No, silly. It’s just that my sister runs a lot of charities as a side hobby and there’s this particular place I like. It’s a music school for orphaned children. They’re having a recital today, do you want to come watch?”

Seungyoun nods. He thinks that’s exactly what he needs.

//

Turns out, the place takes a good two hour drive away from the city. Seungyoun falls asleep along the way, the exhaustion finally taking a toll on his body. He sheepishly apologizes when Seungwoo wakes him up. Seungwoo just grins. It’s becoming unbearable, why did Seungwoo have to be so ethereal with the patience of a literal saint? It’s unfair.

It’s noon when they arrive.

The place is located just in the mere outskirts of the city. Seungyoun can feel the nonexistence of the paparazzi and he could almost scream in absolute joy. He feels like he could breathe again.

A woman welcomes them as soon as they step into the well manicured lawn adjacent to a big Tudor style house. She gleefully screams, “Seungwooni you came!” before pulling Seungwoo down to her embrace. “And you dragged your boyfriend along too! How wonderful.”

Seungyoun scratches the back of his neck, smiling awkwardly. “Hello. I’m Cho Seungyoun.”

“Oh he’s a dear.” The woman says, “My name’s Sunhwa and you can call me noona.”

“Noona, don’t be embarrassing.” Seungwoo laughs. They resemble each other a lot. Seungwoo’s handsome and Sunhwa’s egregiously beautiful. Their parents must be so proud.

“Come on the recital’s starting in a few minutes.”

//

Seungyoun tried his best to stay awake. Tried being the keyword.

The recital was calming to say the least, nobody was whispering in the vicinity and the children were all talented. Seungyoun recalls from music lessons he’s had years back that some of the kids even played their own rendition of classic musical pieces.

It’s during a Satie performance when his eyelids start closing and he’s too weak to even fight it. He finds himself unconsciously leaning against Seungwoo who sits beside him. He partially stirs when his head hits Seungwoo’s shoulder but Seungwoo simply draws him closer and whispers, “It’s okay, Youn. Get some rest.”

When Seungyoun wakes up, his position is reminiscent of what went down a week ago: with his head on Seungwoo’s thighs. Seungyoun isn’t as mortified this time though. The auditorium is empty besides them.

“Hey.” Seungwoo grins, “You missed really good ones.”

Seungyoun sits up. “I’m sorry, hyung. I also should apologize to Sunhwa noona.”

“It’s alright. She knows you’re an idol to be and the job’s tough.”

At the words, Seungyoun begins to whimper. It doesn’t take more than a single precedence before he’s crying. He doesn’t say anything. The actor draws Seungyoun to his body where Seungyoun presses his face on the older’s chest and lets it all out. Seungyoun isn’t sure how long he sobs; he’s not even sure _why_ he’s sobbing in the first place but somehow it felt good. It is a release he so direly needed.

Seungwoo doesn’t say anything but his hold conveys comfort that doesn’t need words to be understood, to be felt. It doesn’t occur to Seungyoun that he’s known Han Seungwoo for only a week and he’s already allowed himself to be this vulnerable.

His mother did tell him he had a soft heart that he wore on his sleeve, that he trusted too easily and gave himself away until nothing is left. Seungyoun didn’t understand what it all means until now.

“It’s alright.” Seungwoo whispers, “Everything will be alright.”

Seungyoun feels no judgment. When his sobbing finally stops, his chest is lighter. Seungwoo smiles at him and runs his thumbs underneath Seungyoun’s teary and bloodshot eyes. “ Please feel better soon, okay? Let’s go have dinner now.”

** **

* * *

** **

****Sunhwa Han**** @SWOfficial

[attached image]

### ♡1,212,102 

_ _Look who came to visit! My Seungwooni is happy again and I’m a proud older sister. _ _

_ _

**@jessieoneit** SEUNGYOUNIE IS IN LOVE! [♡3561]

**@wooseungdan **SEUNGWOO IS IN LOVE TOO! [♡3232]

**@thirstyeunsang** I WANT TO FALL IN LOVE TOO [♡1212]

**@lovepeacehappiness** NAH LOOKS FAKE. [♡23]

**@samita **@lovepeacehappiness fuck off. [♡1211]

* * *

WORLDWIDE TRENDS

1 HAN SEUNGWOO

2 #X1TEASER

3 SWING NEW BOY GROUP

4 SEUNGYOUN

5 #MAMAVOTE

6 #BOYCOTTMAMA

7 #ryeonseung

8 #MONSTA_X

9 #FOLLOW

10 #FINDYOU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i will fix this when i have time but for now it's unedited bc we are dying like real women 
> 
> find me twitter @showmyun 
> 
> /sorry i don't get too reply to comments asap. i read them all though, thank you! X1 ROTY


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

_Are you ready for tomorrow?_

Sent. 5:50

_We can just cancel if you’re not up to it. _

Sent. 5:51

Seungyounie

_ It’s okay hyung. I think it’s gonna be fun. _

Received. 5:53

_ _

Seungyounie

_ I’m scared though. What if I say the wrong thing? _

Received. 5:54

_ _

_ _What am I doing?_ _

_ _

This really should not be happening but apparently Seungwoo is weak when it came to a certain plump cheeked idol. He has reminded himself countless of times throughout the past few days not to get too close. Seungyoun is too young for him and the mere notion of getting too attached to the boy sends Seungwoo into some sort of meltdown.

He can’t.

But then he remembers how Seungyoun had clung to him and the boy’s heart wrenching sobs which causes Seungwoo is intimately familiar with.

Seungyoun will be under so much pressure and the scrutiny on camera and off camera will become too unbearable at some point. Seungwoo knows; twelve years in the industry did not even harden him enough. But Seungyoun is more than Seungwoo will ever be. Seungyoun is passionate and he had sacrificed some of the best years of his youth to grueling training and it never deterred him. It is admirable.

And Seungwoo should never be a hindrance to Seungyoun’s dreams.

_ Do you want to eat dinner with me? _

Sent. 6:00

Seungwoo’s massages his temples, mentally screeching about the message he’d sent.

_ We can talk about whatever questions they’d possibly ask tomorrow. _

Sent. 6:01

Frankly, Seungwoo didn’t really care about no goddamn interview. He just wanted to see Seungyoun’s face, watch how he flushes in that peculiarly endearing way whenever Seungwoo remotely compliments

him.

Seungyounie

_ Okie :) _

Received. 6:02

Seungyounie

_ _._ You’re probably worried that I’d screw up. I’m sorry for bothering you hyung. TT _

Received. 6:05

_ Don’t call yourself a bother, Youn. _

Sent. 6:06

_ _I_ just really like to see you. I miss you. _

Drafted. 6:06

_ _S_o, I’ll see you in half an hour? Wear something thick, it’s cold. _

Sent. 6:08

//

Seungwoo brings Seungyoun to this barbecue place he really liked. The atmosphere is casual and people minded their own business. The impromptu dinner is far more than the talk Seungwoo had been expecting. He blamed it on the soju and Seungyoun apparently being a lightweight.

“They’d probably ask what prompted me to become an idol and honestly I just want to say that I wanna make my cat proud.” Seungyoun divulges. He’s obviously tipsy and Seungwoo found this new side to him absolutely endearing.

“You’re going to be the cayse of someone’s headache.” Seungwoo chuckles. “Though if they’d ask, I’d probably say the same.”

Seungyoun gives him a full bodied laugh. “Hyung, what if they ask me about you? What’s your favorite role?”

“The historical ones. The makeup is intense and don’t even get me started on the hair extensions. At some point, I thought I was going to go bald.”

“You looked so good in those dramas.” Seungyoun says, blushing prettily. “You looked like a true Asian emperor.”

“You flatter me Youn.”

“I swear I’m not.”

They talk like good friends and at some point the conversation had strayed far too much from the intended topic. Seungyoun tells Seungwoo about his mother, how she raised Seungyoun alone after his father died. Seungyoun tells him of his hopes for the future, of his dreams of winning big awards with his group, of becoming a household name. He says this with a twinkle in his eyes that Seungwoo is almost envious of.

In return Seungwoo divulges some of his most private anecdotes, stories that even his oldest fans don’t know, things that aren’t simply written on his internet pages. He finds it oddly liberating and he starts to wonder when he got so comfortable around the boy. By the time the dinner ends, it’s nearly eleven in the evening.

When they head out the restaurant, the dull light of the streetlamps had casted shadows on Seungyoun’s face and it made him look…beautiful.

Seungwoo blames it on the soju, though he’s miles away from even being tipsy, when he’d drawn Seungyoun to him. He presses a chaste kiss on Seungyoun’s cheek and quickly pulls away.

_ _“Cameras.” _ _

_ _

“Oh.”

He wanted to slap his face again. Nothing about this night was about the charade they’re playing. Seungyoun just looked beautiful and Seungwoo wanted to kiss him. 

Seungyoun casually plays along. He leans forward and throws his arms around Seungwoo’s neck. “Thank you for dinner hyung. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Seungwoo spends an unnecessarily long amount of time sitting in his car and thinking why he isn’t sure where his sudden bout of uncharacteristic disappointment had stemmed from. He’d pressed his face on the steering wheel, inhaling. “Get yourself together.”

//

Han Seungwoo is __cursed. __

Not really but it does feel like it. He hadn’t had a nick of sleep last night, his mind was busy reeling over how pretty Seungyoun was during dinner. In consequence, he’s striding into the studio practically half asleep and his face felt like it’s going through some turmoil with how bad the skin looks. And it’s only his second photo shoot for this year. The stylist will probably want to gouge him with an eyebrow pencil.

He had a jampacked previous year with schedules folding over each other. He had to film movies left and right, photo shoots and interviews from north to south, musicals, a 30 episode TV drama, a couple of ads; Seungwoo basically lived in his vehicle without time to even crash in the comfort of his own home.

It’s probably the reason why Jinhyuk called it quits. Seungwoo just didn’t have the time to make a relationship work and Jinhyuk rarely tried. The loss made Seungwoo reflect though he dated a couple of people to try and hide the fact that he hasn’t moved on. Then the string of scandals began and he was forced to stray from public eye as per management’s suggestion. Seungwoo accepted the decision wholeheartedly. He was tried and tired.

The photoshoot is for Seungyoun’s sake - and their charade to such an extent. It’s one of the odd jobs the CEO had personally approved for Seungwoo in their mission to __clean up __his image.

The idol is early as expected of him. Stylists crowd around Seungyoun, laughing over whatever stories he entertains them with. Seungwoo catches a glimpse of the idol’s made-up face and his heart pathetically stutters. Seungyoun looked so...__delectable__. The makeup artists really took their time. He had on a faint eyeshadow the color of red brick, his lips looked fuller than usual and his unruly hair is all swept up revealing his unfairly gorgeous face.

Seungwoo is mad jealous of the people around Seungyoun. He casually strides over, takes a long glance at Seungyoun’s beautiful face reflected on the mirror, leans down and loosely wraps his arms around Seungyoun’s neck in a very intimate looking embrace.

In his usual gleeful manner, Seungyoun greets him with a high pitched. “Hyung!”

Seungwoo nods and he doesn’t think too much when he says, “You look very handsome, __babe__. ”

Seungyoun, for half a second, looked surprised but he catches the gist and plays along with what he thinks is an act. He smiles even as the staff around them look about ready to pop a vein from what they’re seeing. Han Seungwoo, usually notoriously private, is casually showing intimacy for everyone to see. The world must be burning over tomorrow.

Frankly doesn’t know what came over him and before he could think it over, one of the stylists had bodily pulled him away from Seungyoun.

“Seungwoo, I know you miss your boyfriend but we really need to get started on your makeup.”

Seungwoo chuckles, “Yeah, I miss him.”

Maybe it’s the powder but Seungyoun’s cheeks get a little bit redder anyway. He really is adorable.

//

“Oh marvelous!” __click, click, click. __“Wonderful!”

Standing on the edge of the set, Seungwoo stares at Seungyoun who’s casually showing just how talented he is. The idol interacts with the camera so naturally. He grins and smirks and moves his body in a way that should have taken years upon years of professional experience to be perfected. It was only his third photo shoot, the first being a couple of years ago from some ad and the second was for his official pre-debut profile photos.

He really is born to become an entertainer; Seungwoo is fascinated.

“Seungyoun-ah, are you sure this is only your third time?” The photographer asks, his camera flashes nonstop. “You should do more, you’re amazing!”

Seungyoun moves. He laughs when he says, “Thank you sunbae!”

“And that’s a wrap!”

Seungyoun bows and thanks everyone before he’s stepping off the set. Everyone showers him with compliments like they should be.

When Seungwoo steps into the same set he receives an endless stream of jibes from the man behind the camera all this time, his best friend, Kim Yohan. “Woo you think you can do better?”

“Don’t challenge me, Yohan.”

He’s used to this.

“You wanna kill somebody? You’re so aggressive today.”

“Maybe.” Seungwoo says and he looks up to meet Seungyoun’s entranced gaze. “Maybe.”

Seungwoo is good. He knows which angles look best on him, which angles make him look __deadly. __Yohan brings out his competitive streak, pushes him to do more; it doesn’t help that he’s one of the best photographers in the industry. 

Then suddenly, Yohan puts the camera down and with a sly grin he says, “What about we ditch the approved concept and have you both __eyefuck__ each other in the same frame, instead?”

Seungwoo raises an eyebrow. “Yohan, your language.”

“Let’s do it.”

//

Even through his scattering wits, Seungwoo still manages to maintain a professional persona.

And they do, in Yohan’s crude words, __eyefuck __each other.

The shoot is risque to some degree, not exactly scandalous as they’re both dressed in matching sheer purple shirts that had flowers embroidered on the surface. It’s the now obvious tension that made the shoot look unnecessarily uncomfortable for everyone in the nearest vicinity.

Yohan later comments that Seungwoo barely hid his want. Seungwoo doesn’t delve on the underlying meaning to his friend’s words as he might seriously incriminate himself further. He blames Seungyoun for it. The idol played along so well. He stared at Seungwoo with equal intensity and touched like he wanted to put some sort of mark on him all the while Yohan quietly immortalized the moment on high definition.

The photos turn out gorgeous even without post processing.

When the makeup is removed, Seungyoun reverts back to his normal persona leaving Seungwoo’s want simmering hot. Something had snapped within Seungwoo.

Maybe it’s not just a charade anymore.

//

Han Seungwoo and Cho Seungyoun talk about fashion, work and life in October issue for DAZED KOREA

“Han Seungwoo has such a mysterious vibe to him. The impenetrable coldness seemed to be a prerogative when you are one, if not, the country’s most beloved celebrity. As I walked in for our interview and finally saw him, two things came to mind almost immediately. One, Han Seungwoo is not mysterious; two, he is not cold either. Apparently, the actor is magnanimous in regards to his overwhelming fame. He has been on such a long break and we all certainly miss him, but now he is back and is ready to share some of the things that we all should be excited about.

We sat down after he offers me a drink. Beside Han Seungwoo was Cho Seungyoun. The boy is part of X1, also known as the much awaited boy group that Swing Entertainment has teased Kpop fans with for nearly three years.

They both seem friendly and the atmosphere was comfortable. Throughout the interview, I noticed that Seungwoo often gave the idol reassuring glances and small comforting touches.

Q: Seungyoun, is this your first pictorial with a fashion magazine? How was it?

A: Yes. The photo shoot went well. It was comfortable all thanks to Yohan sunbae who took our photos and to every staff who made the look possible. Seungwoo hyung also gave me advice and it helped me relax and enjoy the experience instead of worrying if I will do good or not.

Q: Did you like the concept?

A: Yes. We wore fresh pieces off the recent fashion week. They’re all pretty amazing. Our designers are creative and talented.

Q: Seungwoo what did you think of the concept? How was working with Seungyoun?

A: Frankly, it’s a bit bold. Though, I’ve been in a lot of pictorials with different people, working with Seungyoun was a breath of fresh air. He’s really good, he’s very passionate about all aspects of the job. It’s been a joy to work with a talented junior. I urge everyone to look forward to his debut.

Q: Now that we’re talking about work, are there any prospective projects coming in the next few months that we all should know about?

A: I’m looking forward to film a new movie. __Heist __is slated for a winter release next year. So far, it’s the only one I’m allowed to divulge but you never know what could be coming.

Q: How about you, Seungyoun?

A: I am debuting with X1 soon. Please take care of us!

//

Yohan Kim ****@photoyohan****

** **

[attached image]

_ _Snippets of my best bud off Dazed coming in hot tomorrow. (looking forward to work with Seungyoun again.) _ _

_ _

**_**_@_**_******samita ****when are they telling us the truth? R they dating? R they friends? R they secretly married???

****@wooseungdan ****seungwoo is lookin extra spicy after he turned thirty. Thank you yohanie! You’re the best

****@thirstyeunsang ****seungyoun didn’t have to attack this hard. X1 debut already.

—

**Dispatch via NATE: “Actor A, supposedly in a pretend relationship with Idol B”**

[+45237, -12341] _actor han seungwoo, idol cho seungyoun. you all didn’t even try _

[+56281, -238] _how can they pretend to have a relationship when they didn’t even say anything. you all got no life or what? _

[+34027, -329] _no relationship but seungwoo is seen casually kissing seungyoun. what has become of this world._

[+70161, -16199] _how about we all shut up and stan x1 instead?_

[+15627, -2617] _speaking of x1, im pretty sure this is another stunt to get swing’s new boy group shoved down our throats. seungwoo has to suffer for it and ya’ll still don’t get why i hate idols._


	4. Chapter 4

The practice room is walled with mirrors and Seungyoun could see just how agitated he’s currently being. He slings a towel over his neck and goes to a corner to retrieve water bottles for the kids who, one by one, fell to the linoleum floor as soon as the music cuts off.

They’ve recorded their prologue single, perfected the choreography and now their debut is apparent as the setting sun. It’s not a complete surprise that every single one of them cannot decide between complete and utter excitement or nerve wracking fear. Seungyoun feels an odd mixture of both but predictably he’s a lot more terrified than necessary.

He’s been on the real time searches the last few days. He’s read tons of comments, even forgot to sleep one night to scroll through pages and pages of opinions written by strangers on the internet. There are a lot of positive ones. Fans tell him they’re ecstatic for his debut, they can’t wait to hear his music, or watch him on variety shows, good comments in general. Then there are _those _comments, the kind that Seungwoo had warned him about. Seungyoun thought he’s strong enough but he still ended up sobbing to Seungwoo through the phone on a godforsaken hour. Seungwoo being the complete saint that he is, listened to Seungyoun whimper. _I feel so bad for you, Youn. If I could just fly to the other side of the globe right now, I would. I know exactly how you feel. _Seungwoo had been in France to do some ambassadorship for his one too many luxury brands but it still felt nice that he even tended to Seungyoun as he went through another meltdown, again.

Their charade ended up working just as planned. Seungyoun now shares some of Seungwoo’s spotlight consequently drawing the attention to X1 in the process. It should all be good, everyone loves the mystery, their addicting push and pull puts all sorts of dramas to shame.

Speaking of the charade, he’s gotten unnecessarily attached to the actor that he’s beginning to think that their act can’t be healthy for him any longer. Emotionally attached or romantically attached, he still has to figure out but he craves Seungwoo’s attention and Seungwoo just _gives._ Though in hindsight, Seungyoun is half certain it’s only because Seungwoo is dedicated to his career and probably has more than enough time on his hands to entertain someone who’s not necessarily the type of person that he’s used to dating. Maybe it’s all a game to him, something fun, something new._Who are you kidding Seungyoun, I mean look at you. You’re too young for him, you’re too ugly for him, you’re too uninteresting for him. Have you seen the person he got involved with before the company strung you with him in this mess? Can you even compare to that? Get over yourself._

Seungyoun immediately backtracks before he can delve onto darker thoughts. He’s distressed enough as it is.

From the pile of bodies on the floor, Hyeongjun excitedly says, “Seungyounie hyung your photos are out!” They’re all crowded around the tablet in Hyeongjun’s grasp _ooh-ing _at what probably is Seungyoun’s photo shoot with Seungwoo.

“Are they any good?” Seungyoun asks before he’s petting Junho’s drenched head with a towel. “You should all get changed. You’re all sweaty.”

“Seungyoun hyung your boyfriend is hot.” Dohyon comments. Wooseok starts choking. No one, save for Wooseok, knows about the truth. Seungyoun feels bad, maybe he’ll tell them once the charade ends. For now he’s bound to some NDA he can’t get out of. “Yeah and why do you look like you wanna eat him, hyung?” Hyeongjun blinks at him with those huge, adorable doe eyes that Seungyoun can’t even stop the flush that creeps from his neck up to his face. _Yes, he might, possibly, just slightly, tiny, want to eat (or be devoured by) Seungwoo but oh my god, Song Hyeongjun!_

Hangyul, who was finishing his water bottle, finally quips to fuel Hyeongjun’s interest on why the actual hell did Seungyoun looked at Seungwoo like how he looks at some tasty snack. “It’s concept, Hyeongjunie, desire. You get what I mean?”

“Oh.”

“Hangyul not in front of the children!” Seungyoun gasps.

Wooseok laughs at him, “Seungyoun, they’re seventeen, almost eighteen, you don’t need to insinuate.”

Seungyoun drags Hyeongjun to his person and screams, “Not in front of my baby!”

Hyeongjun giggles. “It’s okay hyung. You love him anyway, it’s normal.”

Seungyoun wants to cry. _Love. Christ help him_. __That was such a big word and Seungyoun really would rather not _go_ there. He’s baiting himself for the purest kind of heartache.

“Hyung you really look good though.” Eunsang says, “And the comments are all asking when are you announcing your relationship.”

“Are you going to say anything, hyung?” Minhee and Junho blink. Seungyoun knows they are all worried for him, they are far too exposed to the harsh reality of dating scandals in their industry. “Uhm, I don’t know. It’s easier to not say anything. We’re not exactly exclusive.” _It’s an act. I like him but I’m probably just a past time. _

__“__Hyung, you should just say something. Tell the whole world that you’re dating Han Seungwoo sunbaenim so people stop making all these rude accusations.”

_“Don’t read those Hyeongjun-ah.” _Wooseok says, unnecessarily sharp. Hyeongjun looks at him like he’s going to cry. Of course Wooseok realizes his error and immediately softens. “I’m sorry, Junie. Just, don’t read bad comments and let’s just wait until Seungwoo sunbaenim is willing to confirm their relationship, alright. In their case, it takes two people to make a decision, right Ryoun leader?”

Seungyoun shots Wooseok a grateful look. “Yeah. Let’s just all call it a day. I’m treating you all to ice cream.”

//

It’s two something in the morning; Hyeongjun is tangled with Seungyoun since the younger dancer wanted to be comforted from whatever it is that continually bothers him; Hangyul is snoring away on his top bunk; Seungyoun’s phone beeps and wakes him up.

Seungyoun shifts as Hyeongjun stirs. He grabs his phone from the nightstand, attempts to read the caller ID and fails. He answers the phone anyway, could be an emergency and it won’t be the first time.

_Youn?_

Oh. Seungwoo’s voice filters through the muted speaker. He sounds…tired. “Seungwoo hyung.”

Hyeongjun presses his face on Seungyoun’s chest and murmurs something indiscernible.

_Oh sorry, I must have waken you up? God, I didn’t think this through. _

Seungyoun quietly chuckles before he steps off the bed, laughing quietly at Hyeongjun’s whines. “It’s okay, hyung. Why did you call?”

_I just landed, jet lag’s insane and I don’t know why but I’m in front of your dorm. I’m sorry, Youn. Go back to sleep. _

“No. Lemme just grab a jacket hyung, I’m gonna go down in a few. Give me a sec.”

Seungwoo’s quiet laughter rings crystal clear in the quiet of the dorm. _I missed you, Youn. _

Seungyoun’s heart amps up. Seungwoo’s so good at the flirting, it’s like second nature to him. Not to mention he’s such a great actor and being on the receiving end of his affections waters the tiny plant of feelings Seungyoun tries to squash dead. He really shouldn’t. It’s all pretense, don’t get swayed, you’ll get hurt in the end.

But of course, Seungyoun’s soft heart wins over his head and he melts just a little. Curse him.

When he leaves the building, he immediately sees Seungwoo who’s leaning against the hood of his vehicle and staring into space. Somehow, Seungyoun casually approaches and before he could think about doing anything else, he wraps his arms around Seungwoo’s middle in a loose hug. Seungwoo draws Seungyoun closer and breathes against Seungyoun’s cheek. “I missed you.” Seungwoo reiterates and Seungyounwants to unravel from the seams.

_Don’t fall in love with him. _

_Don’t fall in love with him. _

_Don’t fall in love with him. _

Seungyoun doesn’t say the words back, he’s afraid something incredibly stupid might come out of his mouth like: _Can you love me please? Love me and only me_ or some other versions that share the same meaning.

“Hyung what are you doing here?” Seungyoun asks as he pulls back just a little and stares at Seungwoo’s exhausted face. “You should have been resting.”

“I was worried about you.” Seungwoo admits, like he’s trying to hold something back. “I was reading comments on our spread on the flight back and I just… I wanted to make sure you’re feeling alright.”

“I’m alright, hyung. I’ve complained about it enough. It’s quite embarrassing how I’m supposed to be an idol and I couldn’t even take even the least sort of hate comments. Weak right?”

Seungwoo gives him an odd look. Seungyoun could never read Seungwoo. The actor’s such a closed book though his private life is sensationalized by the media; nothing seemed to have breached deep enough to actually shed some light about how he truly is. They antagonized him but in reality, Seungwoo is miles away from being the kind of person they painted him as. It’s unnerving.

Seungwoo cups Seungyoun’s cheeks. His palms are warm and his thumbs rub circles on Seungyoun’s face. “Listen to me. You’re not weak, you’re allowed to be offended. You’re a human being, you’re not this impenetrable wall that won’t get stirred by rash opinions of people hiding behind the anonymity of their screens. And you know what, you’re allowed to cry about it. You’re allowed to get hurt. Promise me this Seungyoun, if it gets too overwhelming you’ll talk to me, or to someone who makes you feel better. Shed off the burden, please Youn?”

Seungyoun inhales; he feels like he’s drowning in thin fucking air. His feelings claw up the walls of his organs, urging him to just say it. It’s only by pure strength of will that he manages to not incriminate himself. He nods at Seungwoo, smiles and says, “I promise hyung.”

The way Seungwoo ruffles Seungyoun’s hair is a clear indication of how exactly the actor views him: a friend, a colleague, a child. It hurts in a way though Seungyoun isn’t entitled to feel like so when he knows exactly what he signed up for. It would have been presumptuous of him to assume that he’s strong enough not to develop some sort of feelings for Seungwoo. He knew exactly what sort of precedence Seungwoo had. The actor’s handsome, experienced, and so unbearably kind that Seungyoun doesn’t even know what to do with himself anymore.

He just hopes that he’s not going to pick whatever remains of him when the illusion shatters.

“Will it bother you to get some tea with me?”

It’s cold, it’s nearly three in the morning, and Seungyoun should have said no. But of course he doesn’t.

//

Seungyoun learns that Seungwoo likes Earl Grey with half a spoon of sugar. They’re in a cozy cafe with dim mood lights. It’s the only shop still open at this hour. They’re some of the few patrons this early in the morning. Three tables away from them is occupied by an old couple, completely unfazed about the fact that they’re sitting so closely to _the_ Han Seungwoo. Seungwoo glances every now and then, smiling without saying anything.

“I want that.” Seungwoo suddenly says, his eyes never straying from their cafe neighbors. Seungyoun fails to catch the meaning of his words so he stays mute and sips at his cup of Chamomile tea.

“Do you think it’s possible for people like us to have that sort of normalcy in our lives, to grow old with a certain someone without having to think of what our consumers will say? To freely love, to just live.”

“I don’t know, hyung. We’re public figures but if you really wanted to, I think it’s possible.” Seungyoun says, “Hyung, whoever you wind up loving, is fortunate. They’re going to spend a life with the kindest person I’ve ever had the chances of knowing.”

_Stop it, why do you have to do this to yourself? You know it won’t be you. Stop wishing for something so fucking far fetched. _

Seungwoo reaches over and ruffles Seungyoun’s hair, again, and Seungyoun is not sure why he feels like breaking into microscopic pieces.

“Youn, will they be missing you later?”

“We have to film something in the afternoon, hyung. I don’t think I’ll be missed.”

“Do you mind coming home with me?”

_Oh. _

_ _

//

Seungwoo’s penthouse home is miles away from what Seungyoun had been expecting. The door leads to a wide sitting room, the kitchen and the rest of the open flooring are bisected by a breakfast counter. The huge floor length windows are draped by heavy curtains that Seungyoun can't see what must have been a good view.

The house is straight out of an interior design magazine but it looked lived in. There are beige couches in front of the television. There’s a piano sitting undisturbed at one corner, behind it is a cabinet containing framed photographs, hardbound books and some of Seungwoo plaques and trophies - there’s a lot. On the far side of the space, is a chrome staircase that probably lead to more rooms.

“Hyung, you’re legendary.” Seungyoun can’t help but say as he looks over Seungwoo’s awards. “There’s so many of them.”

“Thank you, Youn. Not to brag but honestly, some of them largely don’t mean anything to me.” Seungwoo says as he passes a change of clothes to Seungyoun. “Here go change into this.”

Wordlessly, Seungyoun receives the clothes and asks, “But why?”

Seungwoo meets his gaze, there’s a sad smile playing on his lips. “Along the way, life became tedious and it all felt like I didn’t need to work hard for something so prestigious. I exchanged my personal life for fame. The people want me and not my work. There’s a dissonance to that, Youn. You feel your passion draining away but at the same time you just keep going because it’s all you ever wanted to be, it’s all you ever did and you don’t know anything else. I hope it doesn’t ever happen to you. You’re like the sun, and I sincerely wish that your spark burns as bright from the beginning to the end. You deserve that, Youn.”

Something catches in Seungyoun’s throat, it’s painful, it’s like his heart had casually lodged itself into his windpipe and he can’t breathe. He starts to whimper, he feels pathetic because he couldn’t do anything for Seungwoo. He couldn’t be someone Seungwoo could rely on, he couldn’t be someone more than a burden. He’s someone who’s just another tool to objectify Seungwoo.

“Youn why -?”

“I’m sorry.” Seungyoun manages, choking through his tears. “I’m sorry you feel like this. I’m sorry I couldn’t do the things you do for me. I’m sorry that - “

“Christ, Youn,” Seungwoo thumbs underneath Seungyoun’s eyes, “Don’t cry. I told you all that because I’m oddly so comfortable around you. Your presence is enough, do you understand that? You don’t need to reciprocate everything I do for you. I just want to take care of you, can you allow me to do that?”

Seungyoun wants to ask why__, _why do you want to take care of me, you don’t have to because it’s an act. You don’t have to. You don’t have to. Why, why, why. _

He doesn’t ask, because he’s afraid of Seungwoo’s answer. He nods, tearfully, like the pathetic child that Seungwoo sees him as.

“God, you’re making this so hard for me.” Seungwoo says as he draws Seungyoun for an embrace. He pulls back, stares at Seungyoun with the same indescribable expression before he says, “I want to kiss you. Can I?”

Seungyoun’s soul leaves his body as Seungwoo reels him in.

Seungyoun has kissed a grand total of three people in his life. The first one was a girl he doesn’t even remember the face of, the second one was Wooseok. It was their first year of training; they were seventeen and bored and decided to kiss each other because that’s what you do when you’re a hormonal teenager who doesn’t have enough time to get to know other teenagers.

The third is Han Seungwoo.

The actor has one arm around Seungyoun’s middle, the other is pressed flat to the back of Seungyoun’s head. He kisses like he wants to suck the very breath out of Seungyoun’s lungs, he kisses like he wants to burn a mark. He draws Seungyoun’s lower lip between his teeth, licks at the seam of Seungyoun’s mouth. The sensation makes Seungyoun’s bones feel porous.

He’s burning.

And oh, is this what it feels like to _want_ someone?

They part, Seungwoo presses his face against the space where Seungyoun’s neck met his shoulder and just _pants_. __His embrace tightens and Seungyoun mentally thanks him for that because his legs feel like they’re about to collapse.

It dawns on him. No cameras, no paparazzi, no articles. He can have this little moment to himself.

“Hyung.” Seungyoun whispers, “Don’t get hurt.”

Seungwoo smiles against his skin.

//

Seungyoun wants to wake up like this always.

Seungwoo has his arms around Seungyoun and he’s _nuzzling _his face all over Seungyoun’s neck and chest. Another discovery, Seungwoo is very touchy. Seungyoun knows the actor was very tactile with his affections but not to this degree. Seungyoun loves every second if it and he tries not to delve on the reasons behind whatever they’re doing right now.

Earlier, they crashed in the living room couch and fell asleep tangled in each other. It’s probably late in the morning now.

Suddenly the bell to the unit goes off. Seungwoo groans. “Kim Yohan, damn it.”

Not even a minute later, the same photographer who suggested they _eyefuck _each other for the sake of a magazine pictorial, makes his appearance in the sitting room.

“Han Seungwoo where’s my - _holy fuck_ what am I seeing?”

Seungyoun wants to get up to properly greet the photographer but he’s currently underneath Seungwoo’s body. He could only grin awkwardly. “Good morning Yohan sunbae.”

“You, what - shit you really look like a good subject right now. Can I take a picture?”

“Yohan, what you’re seeing are two people trying to get some sleep. What do you want?”

Yohan grabs his phone and snaps away. “I promise not to share this to the internet. Just for a personal project. Thanks guys, you’re the best. Damn I wish I had my camera.”

Seungwoo groans, finally lifting himself off Seungyoun’s body. (Seungyoun wanted to pull him back down.)

“At least tell me you brought porridge.”

“Of course. Where’s my expensive French wine?”

“You alcoholic.” Seungwoo grumbles, “Someone hand me my glasses please, I’m blind.”

//

When Seungyoun gets back to the dorm, he’s _dazed and confused,_ like the iconic Led Zeppelin song.

Wooseok eyes him from behind his bowl of cereal, smirking. “Something good happened, Ryoun?”

Seungyoun nods, “Seungwoo kisses like a motherfucking god. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.”

Wooseok, bless him, chokes. Seungyoun had to give his best friend water and pat his back for good measure.

“What the fuck, can’t you give me a warning?”

Seungyoun sighs, he’s finally lost his mind. “Wooseok I like him so much. It’s been a month and I like him so much. What do I do?”

Wooseok stares and Seungyoun knows he’s about to get hurt.

“Ryoun it’s an act, right?”

Seungyoun wants to bash his head on the granite counter. “Yes.”

“Look, I’m your best friend and I want what’s best for you. Just don’t get hurt please. You’ve given up so much for X1 and we’re there, Ryoun. We’re there thanks to you. I don’t want you to regret all this in the end.”

Seungyoun needed that reality check. “Thanks Seokkie. I love you the most.”

“Love you too Ryoun. But I’m pretty sure it’s not me whom you love the most.”

_ _

_ _//_ _

_ _

X1’s pre-release single is an upbeat song titled ‘Like Always’ and it slams the charts, slams it hard.

It’s their debut, the beginning of their dreams, the end of years upon years of training. It’s bittersweet to an extent and they cry it all out on their debut stage. Seungyoun later cries the rest of his happy tears on Seungwoo. It’s the best day of Seungyoun’s life.

Official promotions then begin. For the first time, Seungyoun finally understands what it’s like to be an idol, how hard it is to be an idol. Recordings in the early morning, back to back interviews, countless of photo shoots so on and so forth.

It is hard. But when he looks at dozens of strangers looking up at them, at him, with so much love in their eyes, Seungyoun perseveres just a bit harder.

And he misses Seungwoo. Text messages aren’t enough.

It’s on their second week of promotions when he finally sees Seungwoo again, and when he does, he slams the door to the actor’s face.

“Did you just do that to Han Seungwoo sunbae?” Hangyul blinks. “Hyung what the hell?”

Seungyoun panicked!

He opens the door again, smiling sheepishly as he hides behind it. “Just wait a minute, hyung.”

He closes the door, hurriedly grabs a shirt, pulls Hyeongjun to him and muffles a scream on the boy’s curly head before he opens the door to a very confused looking Han Seungwoo.

The actor looks so…perfect. _God please why? _He wears a dark blue shirt underneath a black coat and his hair is all swept up. Seungyoun wants to disintegrate to fine dust.

“Sorry Seungwoo-sunbae, Ryoun leader is malfunctioning.” Wooseok comments.

“Shut up I’m not.” Seungyoun glares. Then he faces Seungwoo and hopefully he’s got the dreamy look on his face toned down. “Hi hyung. What’s up?” his tone is so embarrassingly high.

“Just call me hyung, everyone.” Seungwoo smiles, “I bought coffee and some cake. It’s a late congratulatory gift for your debut.”

X1 file into a line and they bow unanimously. “Thank you hyung!”

Seungwoo laughs. “You’re welcome. I hope no one is allergic to strawberry or chocolate.”

When the boys are firmly distracted with the food, Seungyoun is quietly pulled out of the waiting room. Seungwoo closes the door behind them and when they’re in the fairly empty hallway only does he speak.

“Sorry I couldn’t come for your actual debut date.” The actor says as he pulls Seungyoun to an embrace. “I missed you a lot, Youn.”

“Me too.” Seungyoun whispers. “Me too hyung, I missed you a lot.”

“Do you know, I signed up for you fanclub. I’m a One-it. A Nangmandan, specifically. My bias is amazing, he dances really well, sings really well too. And he looks adorable with this beret on.”

Seungyoun laughs. “Hyung stop.”

Seungyoun’s happy, so, so happy. It doesn’t even occur to him that this is an act.

Later, he spots Seungwoo in the audience, waving his own light stick and banner that had Seungyoun’s face on it. Seungyoun does a little better.

* * *

**NAVER: X1’S 1ST SINGLE TOPS ALL MAJOR MUSIC CHARTS. THE BIRTH OF MONSTER ROOKIES. **

[+145789, -345] __I_ have waited so long for this day. Congrats babies! I love you!!!!!_

[+78990, -893]_ROTY, AOTY, SOTY. ONE-ITS ARE YOU WITH ME?”_

[+45299, -231] _I don’t even know these boys but the song is so good. _

[+6709, -23231] _so seungyoun spreading his legs for han seungwoo did them good huh. What a whore. _

[+78213, -1212]_ just say you’re jealous of seungyoun and go. Imagine topping all music charts with your debut song and you get to have the country’s top actor too? Bitch, sign me up. _

[+82121, -121] _don’t engage haters. Send email to swing, we’ll sue all the haters._

* * *

_ _

_ _

_ _

Han Seungwoo **@hanswoo **

_[image attached]_

_Like always. Please don’t get hurt._

### ♡ 3,223,121

_ _

** **@photoyohan** ** _ _ HEHE. DO YOU WANT MY PHOTOS? _ _ **[♡34567]**

**@SWofficial** _ _ SEUNGWOONI I WANNA SEE HIM AGAIN. _ _ **[** **♡21212]**

**@samita** _ _ I HAVE ASCENDED TO ANOTHER REALM. RYEONSEUNG FUCKING RISE. _ _ **[** **♡3421]**

**@wooseungdan** _ _ IM SO JEALOUS BUT SEUNGWOO PLEASE BE HAPPY _ _ **[** **♡6798]**

**@thirstyeunsang** _ _ I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE? R U MARRIED? PLS ANSWER? [_ _ **♡6750]**

**@hswoofan** _ _ how can u be with that kid. He’s so fucking ugly and he’s just using you. Seungwoo honestly just quit this nonsense. _ _ **[♡560]**

**@showmyun** _ _ @hswoofan how about you tell me your location so that we can discuss this toxic behavior, luv. It’s 2019. change you mfing ways. _ _ **[** **♡7567]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly, the way i'm so fast with writing this just means that im whipped for ryeonseung. scream, or say hi @showmyun on twitter.


	5. Chapter 5

The silver ghosts that billow in front of Seungwoo is a reminder that this time he can breathe. No cameras, no stalkers, just him and his seventh stick of cigarette.

“Jesus,” Yohan plucks the cig off Seungwoo's slender fingers and uses it to light his own. “I thought you quit?”

Seungwoo scoffs, making a move to grab the crumpled pack stashed in his back pocket. “I’m stressed. Leave me alone.”

“Woo, come on. We talked about this, I’m the only one who’s allowed to get all sorts of fucked up between the two of us. Don’t go around screwing your voice, or I will strangle you.”

“Very funny, Kim.”

“Not even kidding, Han.”

He really cannot win this one. He gets rid of his cigarettes and grabs for the bottle of Elijah Craig and one of the crystal glasses messily scattered all over the table. He downs one shot, the bourbon carves a heated path down his throat and makes him think. “Do you think I’m too old for him?”

Yohan stubs his smoke before he downs his portion of liquor.

“Who?”

“Seungyoun.” Seungwoo has a faraway look on his face. His body feels malleable. He’s pretty fucking drunk and he paid good money to be intoxicated in peace. This club caters to the likes of him - actors, models, idols, the works. Sometimes, he does think there’s some sort of fucked up quality to that. They’re humans, and humans cannot be perfect, they’re allowed their own choice of legal poison, they’re allowed to get trashed, do something stupidly fun and shitty, they’re allowed to be _human._ But no, and there’s an entire industry dedicated to shelter them from the insidious world and the cameras that never stop.

He wonders how it all spiraled to this when in the beginning, it’s never about his personal life, it’s about his passion to act. Fast forward twelve years and he’s here, sharing a secluded booth with his best friend who’s as, if not more, fucked up than him.

“The idol?” Yohan enunciates. The smoke that emanates from the seam of his mouth is hypnotic.

Seungwoo chuckles. His voice grates at his own ears. “He’s a child. So full of hope, wanted to fucking sacrifice himself for his group and got strung up with me. Fucked up isn’t it?”

“Yeah and you’re clearly _enamored_.”

Seungwoo closes his eyes, the dark and his drunkenness make his head spin. “So fucking much. He’s beautiful but he’s like glass, so fragile.”

“And you’re poison, Woo. One way or another, you’re going to shatter him.”

“Fuck you, Kim Yohan.”

Yohan finishes his cigarette. He looks at Seungwoo, gaze drunk, and blows the cigarette on the actor’s face before he presses their lips together.

“I know you, _darling._”

“Fuck you.” Seungwoo whispers and pushes the photographer against the couch, straddling him. They’re wasted, but this isn’t the first time. “We’re poison Seungwoo, you know that. Don’t go and defile something so sacred.”

//

Seungwoo wakes up on Yohan’s far too familiar bed, wrapped in Yohan’s far too familiar royal blue sheets.

He sees Yohan standing on the foot of the bed, bare from the waist up with a camera pointed on Seungwoo’s face. Seungwoo wants to laugh at himself, no matter what he does, it always boils down to this: to his weakness, to his indecision. He really is fucked up and Yohan plays his role of devil’s advocate far too eagerly.

They’re both fucked up.

“Thousands of faces I’ve seen and yours will always be my favorite.” The photographer says, putting down his gear. “So beautiful, so fucking _seraphic_. The gods really took their time with you Woo, made you so perfect.” Seungwoo allows the other to trace the planes of his face with a finger. Yohan chuckles, “I wonder if he knows. By now, I’m pretty sure you’ve got him eating out of the palm of your hand, so wrapped up in your perfected illusion that he won’t even dare think that you’re rotting beneath all this beauty. Poor child.”

Seungwoo hates how factually correct Yohan is. He pulls the photographer down, fuses their lips together in a kiss that’s more violent than anything else. “How about you fucking stop talking.”

“Make me, Seungwoo. Make me.”

And Seungwoo does.

This is what they are. They’re not just best friends, they’re each others’ downfall. Yohan and Seungwoo, they feed each others’ demons. Seungwoo is the only person who could see right through Yohan’s extravagant pretense; Yohan can trace through every crack that Seungwoo tries so hard to conceal behind his curated perfection. They destroy each other and pick up the shards of what’s left right after. And over and over they go.

“Don’t bait him further, Seungwoo.” Yohan says as he lights another cancer stick. “The kid’s obviously falling for you, better tell him now when he’s not as emotionally invested and while your true colors aren’t showing. Don’t fuck him up.”

“I hate you so much.” Seungwoo whispers as he studies the nail marks running starkly down the length of his pale arms. “I really hate you. How can you even tell that he’s emotionally invested?”

“Photos don’t lie, darling. He’s got such innocent eyes and he looks at you like you’re god incarnate. I can tell.”

Seungwoo inhales. He’s starting to completely unravel. “What if I can change?”

Yohan shifts to his side, smiling gently as he faces Seungwoo. “I’m still waiting for the day you do, Seungwoo. Told you before, I’m the only one who’s allowed to be fucked up between the both of us.”

Seungwoo inhales and when he closes his eyes he sees Seungyoun. Seungyoun who wears his heart on his fucking sleeve, who has the most genuine smile and cries so easily, whose life isn’t as screwed up as Seungwoo's.

Seungyoun is more than Seungwoo; hundred times more than he will ever be.

But why can’t he stop? Why does he want? Why does he close his eyes and see Seungyoun? Why does he restlessly lie in bed and think about what could be? Can someone as cracked and damaged as him be with Seungyoun who is so pure in heart that it’s physically unbearable to stay away?

Can Seungwoo allow himself to taint someone so precious?

He really is going out of his mind.

“Why don’t you stay away from me Yohan?” Seungwoo questions instead because he likes torturing himself.

“Because I fucking love you and you know that.” Yohan whispers.

“I can’t be that someone for you, Han.”

“I know, Woo and I’m glad to have your body.” The photographer’s grating laughter slices through the dead air. “If you wanna fall in love with Seungyoun tell me and I’ll back off. But for now, you’re mine.”

“I’m sorry Yohan.”

“You’re always sorry. Do you ever mean it?”

Seungwoo can’t answer.

//

Seungwoo is not new to accidents on set. One time he suffered a fall and came out with a broken ulna but with a lot of good memories.

He was on a motorcycle and he could surmise that he must have been far too negligent because another wrong move would have actually shattered his spine. The director looked like he was going to have an aneurysm while Seungwoo seethed through another dislocated bone.

“Why do you insist on not getting stunt doubles?” His manager whines as the medic assesses the damage. “I’m really going to land myself in jail if this continues. Your fans will wring my neck.”

Seungwoo manages a chuckle even as he winces in pain, “Don’t be so pessimistic hyung. It’s gonna be fine. I promise.”

“I’ve long learned to never trust any of your promises Seungwoo. God, just get yourself fixed. I’m gonna have to settle things with the producer. You’re not doing anything with that bad shoulder.”

“Fine, fine.”

Turns out, it’s not just a _bad_ shoulder. When the bike had skidded through the asphalt and he’d fallen, the point of his shoulder took most of the impact that he’d almost pulverized it. He stares at his bones on the X-ray film the doctor keeps pointing at and thinks that this will set back the entire filming schedule. The director will wring Seungwoo’s neck, then he will pop an artery.

Great.

//

_Hyung how are you? I heard that your injured your shoulder. _

Seungwoo really misses Seungyoun. He longs for the younger's presence like a being going through a famine; his entire system is starved for Seungyoun. Seungwoo is not sure how it had come to this. Suddenly, his peculiar attachment to him became an addiction.

“I’m fine.” Seungwoo replies as he watches smoke billow in front of his face before they disintegrate and join the thick polluted air. “Almost shattered the point of my shoulder. The doc told me to take it easy so I’m shelved from filming for the time being. How are you, Youn? I miss you.”

The words leave his mouth so easily, he doesn’t even have to think too much, no hesitations of any sort and frankly he wants to hit himself. He throws such words so carelessly and he could only imagine what sort of effect they’re having on Seungyoun’s psyche. He really is such a mess. 

He remembers Yohanand his question: _do you even mean it?_ Until now, he still cannot answer. It’s second nature to him, the soft words, it’s one of the side effect of making people’s fantasies of romance come to life in front of screens, so many times. Seungwoo can’t even distinguish what’s real and what’s part of a script.

He really is an actor.

_Take care of yourself, hyung._

Seungwoo chuckles, “Why don’t you tell me where you are and I’ll come so that you can take care of me yourself.”

_J_esus, why are you like this Seungwoo?

It takes an awful long time for Seungyoun to answer.

_We’re in a resort, the whole group is. The company’s giving us a reward. _

“Oh.” He’s disappointed to hear that. “Have fun then, Youn.”

_I miss you too hyung. I’ll drop you the location, will you come?_

There could have been a lot of answers to that question. Seungwoo could have backtracked on his statement and admit to some petty teasing, he could have said he couldn’t actually drive without his shoulder hurting like the fifth circle of hell.

But Seungwoo is caught up in the thoughts of Seungyoun and he says, “I will.”

//

“You motherfucker.” Yohan greets as soon as Seungwoo enters the photographer's vehicle after stashing an overnight bag on the backseat. The photographer eyes Seungwoo’s right arm and rolls his eyes. “What did you do this time?”

“Have some mercy will you? I almost died.” Seungwoo complains, wincing as he straps the seat belt across his chest. “The boss called me and grilled me to the fucking high heavens. I’ve had enough.”

“This is the reason why everybody keeps insisting on stunt doubles. You’re too damn stubborn.”

“It was an accident Yohan.” Seungwoo sighs, “But thank you for the concern.”

“Where do you want to go, anyway?”

“Seungyoun.”

Yohan eases his vehicle out of the basement parking, scoffing as he says. “You wound me Woo. I can’t believe I’m doing this for you.”

“Don’t be dramatic, we talked about this.”

“I know, I’m shitting. At least let me take photos.”

“I’ll ask Youn.”

“Why do you even want to go see him now, with a busted shoulder and all? I thought you agreed on dating each other for the sole reason of instigating public outrage.”

“It’s free publicity, not outrage. The GP loves him; he’s a good boy and all.”

“Oh. _Fuck me up_, you must be in love then.” Yohan states as gently drives through the freeway. “This dedication is unlike you.”

“Screw you Yohan, screw you.”

Yohan laughs.

//

Seungwoo cannot exactly unravel the logic of spending some time off in a resort during the precipice of winter, except for the fact that rates must be cheaper to an extent. The company’s not really the most generous when it came to rewarding their artists. They usually don’t get more than a solid pat to the back and a congratulatory tweet with a half-assed photo courtesy of some obscure digital artist.

It’s surprising when Yohan finally parks in front of the place after a nearly three hour drive. It’s almost ten in the evening and Yohan had complained about the possibility of having to make the drive back during a godawful time.

“A bloody resort,” The photographer states, clearly pissed, “in the beginning of winter? What in the bloody fuck?”

“Don’t ask me. The company’s shit and you know that.” Seungwoo replies, wincing as he moves his shoulder. “The kids are lucky to some extent, at least they get to have a break.”

“And they’re about to spend this break staring at each other because it’s too damn cold to go swimming.”

Seungwoo just sighs. He exits the vehicle and when he looks up Seungyoun is there, smiling at Seungwoo in a way that turned his eyes into tiny half moons. The particular smile chipped off some of the ice around Seungwoo’s cold heart. He returns the grin. “Hey, Youn!”

Seungyoun steps forward and gently wraps his arms around Seungwoo’s middle, careful not to touch any of Seungwoo’s injured shoulder. “Hyung you came!” Seungwoo could _hear _the happiness in Seungyoun’s tone and he’s not sure what to do with that fact. He presses his face on Seungyoun’s neck and smiles. “Of course, now you need to take care of me.” Seungyoun answers him with giggle.

//

Seungwoo had thought the entire __vacation__ was for a variety show, turns out, there’s not a single camera in the vicinity save for Yohan’s.

The company had booked the entire place for X1. It is fairly comfortable in retrospect - lot of rooms, heated pools, ocean view, the works - it didn’t seem such a shabby place to be at in the cold of winter.

Yohan ends up staying. They eat a late dinner with the boy group. It was eventful. They were a rather large band with a handful of kids in their late teens. They all look adorable. Seungwoo gets awfully attached to some leggy teenager called Junho all the while Yohan exchanged loaded gazes with Lee Hangyul.

Seungwoo will have to knock some sense into the photographer later, but for now he allows himself to get distracted by the heat radiating off Seungyoun’s palm, same palm casually pressed on top of Seungwoo’s left thigh.

This really should stop soon before he does something they will both regret.

//

“I think Hangyul likes Yohan sunbae-nim.” Seungyoun casually says when his body breaks the surface of the heated infinity pool. He leans against the edge of the pool and meets the actor’s gaze. Seungwoo stares at the idol and gets distracted by the ink on the planes of Seungyoun’s skin. Seungwoo wants to mark him.

“Yohan’s too old for him, Youn.” Seungwoo replies. “And honestly, I wouldn’t recommend the experience of dating Kim Yohan. He’s my best friend and I know he’s got a lot of excess baggage.” _Me, being the biggest of them all. _

Seungyoun frowns, “Excess baggage?”

Seungwoo really does not want to answer that as it’s a very intricate question. He stands up from the lounge chair and crouches near the edge of the pool. He stares at Seungyoun’s beautiful face, watches droplets of water run down down Seungyoun’s soft cheeks. “He’s got a difficult past, we both do.” Seungyoun receives this statement in open wonder and the urge to just kiss the idol becomes unbearable.

“Everyone of us has a difficult past one way or another, hyung.”

Smiling gently, Seungwoo asks, “Do you believe the media’s image of me, Youn? At least before I started fucking up.”

Seungyoun shrugs, “I don’t know but you seemed perfect.”

“Truth is Seungyoun, I’m not. I’m miles from perfect.”

I’m fucked up, then and now. I hurt people. I got into so much shit because I had detrimental vices. I gave up so many fucking times I can’t remember when I started getting noticed. I shattered to pieces then I picked myself up. I’ve done this over and over again until I practically became someone else. I wanted to hide and I made myself the perfect mask. I faked it and I was loved and adored by millions.

“I know. You got a scar on your face, though it’s barely there. You’ve got such terrible vision that I almost feel bad for you. You drive so slowly. You put sugar in your tea and I think that’s an abomination. And I guess I like you better when you’re not perfect.”

Seungwoo takes in the words, processes through Seungyoun’s naivete and tries not to crumble into fine dust. This is where there differences lie. It’s not just the gaping eight years that separated them like the Atlantic and the Pacific, it’s their life.

You see, Seungwoo has been dragged through mud and he’s scrubbed himself pristine only to do it over again. He’s done things he hopes Seungyoun will never have to do, be it in this lifetime or the next.

And it’s painful to an extent. He’s starting to get _too_ attached, dare he say he might be almost in love. He’s in love with the idea of Seungyoun. He’s in love with the idea that he could be with someone who isn’t cracked beyond recognition.

But he’s afraid. _You’re poison. You will destroy him. _

He cards his fingers through Seungyoun’s drenched hair, trying to contain his turmoil. “You should leave this pool Youn. You’re going to become a raisin.”

Seungyoun’s laughter rings clear in the wintry night and Seungwoo hopes that it’ll remain this genuine forever.

//

_ _

He lies on the unfamiliar bed as sleep evades him. His thoughts buzz unceasingly even as he stares at the text messages he’d been sending Yohan who is occupying the bedroom across his.

_You like him?_

Sent. 2:30 AM.

Yohan

_I assume you’re taking about Hangyul. Dunno. He does look like he wants to rail._

Received. 2:32 AM.

_Don’t do something you’ll regret, Han. _

Sent. 2:34 AM.

Yohan

_You think so lowly of me, Seungwoo. I’m not that despicable. Besides, I’m too old for him. _

Received. 2:38 AM.

Yohan

_And I’m not like you. I don’t go for younger men. _

Received. 2:39 AM.

_Fuck you, Yohan. _

Sent. 2:40 AM.

Yohan

_I’m kidding, don’t get your panties all twisted. Good night darling._

Received. 2:42 AM.

Seungwoo rolls his eyes, “Good night to you too, darling.” His shoulder stings even after a couple of painkillers. He thinks about goading his doctor to up the dosage so he could sleep like the dead, when a knock breaks the silence of the room. He stares at the door and says, “What do you want, Yohan?”

“It’s me Seungwoo hyung. Can I come in?”

Bewildered, Seungwoo stands up to get the door.

Seungyoun smiles. “Hi?”

“Do you need anything, Youn?”

The idol nods. “I need company. Can I sleep with you?”

Seungwoo blinks, “Uh, sure.”

They beeline towards the queen sized bed. Seungwoo gently lies back as Seungyoun takes the empty side. They stare at each other; the gap between their bodies slowly disappearing. Seungwoo smiles, “Honestly, what brought you here?”

“I drank beer,” Seungyoun murmurs, “before I knocked. Needed bravery.”

Seungwoo chuckles. “What for?”

“Because I want you to kiss me again.”

“I have a better proposition. Why don’t _you_ kiss me Seungyoun?”

Seungyoun takes one glance before he just _does_. __He crosses the short distance that separated them before he’s straddling Seungwoo’s thighs. He holds himself up with his elbows and stares right into Seungwoo’s eyes. Seungyoun’s obviously drunk, but he must have gargled because he didn’t reek of beer. Seungwoo smiles at the thought.

“Hyung, you’re so handsome.” Seungyoun says and he leans down to leave a chaste peck on Seungwoo’s lips. “So handsome.” His cheeks flush in the most endearing shade of red and Seungwoo really doesn’t know what to do with himself anymore. Seungyoun presses his face on Seungwoo’s neck, nuzzling and murmuring against Seungwoo’s skin. “Hyung, even though you’re not perfect, I still like you.”

Seungwoo’s heart stutters.

“Go to sleep, Youn.”

Seungyoun nods, half collapsing against Seungwoo’s body. Seungwoo knows he’ll regret this tomorrow but he deduces that he’s got enough painkillers to knock a horse out anyway, he’ll be fine. He drags his fingers down Seungyoun’s warm back and breathes him in. Seungwoo finally falls asleep.

//

**NAVER: Actor Han Seungwoo gets injured amid filming for action film _Heist._**

_ _

[+56121, -68] _the dedication to his work is unreal. It’s said that he doesn’t want stunt doubles when he could do the scene himself. Mad respect._

[+45632, -11] _somebody take care of him!!!!_

[+22124, -89] _GET WELL SOON SEUNGWOO!!_

[+20123, -1231] _Seungyounie must be sad right now. Get well soon Seungwoo!_

[+8900, -12712] _can fans of that group go away already. This isn’t about you._

[12323, -890] _we’re just concerned for seungwoo. What the hell is your problem?_

* * *

> Kim Yohan **@photoyohan **_Spent some time off with my best bud [cut him some slack he almost shattered a spine]. It’s good to be in love these days. I guess, maybe it’s time I do too. Jk _
> 
> _[image attached]_
> 
> **6K Replies 23K Retweets 103K Likes **
> 
> **@samita** @photoyohan ohhh have fun yohanie! get well soon seungwoo
> 
> **@caridad **@photoyohan yohan date me
> 
> **@wooseungdan **@photoyohan LKJSAKA I LOVE YOU BOTH 
> 
> * * *
> 
> Kim Wooseok **@woocat **_this is what happens when you have too much fun. _
> 
> _[image attached]_
> 
> **16k Replies 147K Retweets 209K Likes ** _ _
> 
> **@showmyun** @woocat seungyoun blink twice if you need help
> 
> _**@**_**thirstyeunsang** @woocat omg seungyoun u okay bud? 
> 
> **@samita** @woocat ok but not at me being the ryeonseung trash that i am but the background looks so much like yohan's photo sksksksksks when are they telling us they're married 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it'll get slightly darker from here on. so yeah. 
> 
> talk to me @showmyun


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING! 
> 
> 1\. suicide ideation, emotionally unstable characterization, implied dub-con. Not graphic but better safe than sorry.

_ **I N T E R L U D E ** _

* * *

The first time Han Seungwoo met Kim Yohan, Seungwoo thought about lights. He was thinking about sunlight, moonlight, lamplight, headlights. 

Headlights casting on a body sprawled and bloody on some pavement. Sirens - blue and red - endlessly twisting and shining dimly against thousands of city lights. He was thinking about death, waxing poetically on what it must feel like to just cease to exist. Seungwoo had a lot of these thoughts, he’d flipped them over and over in his mind like some menu he didn’t really understand but wanted anyway.

Seungwoo, he’s an actor, well at least that’s what he wanted to be. He’d been in a handful of obscure projects, a few questionable adverts, did a few singing jobs here and there - he’s got an alright voice, nothing too special - and he’s exhausted.

Do you ever just feel like your life’s over at the ripe old age of twenty-one and death would just be fine, almost acceptable, better than crawling through a dark tunnel without ever seeing the end of it.

Or maybe he was just too drunk. He’s clutching a bottle of beer in one hand, the other was holding a piece of paper. Seungwoo was reading through it - it was part of some script he’d been endlessly practicing. He wanted that role so fucking badly, went to the audition feeling optimistic enough as if he’d won the fucking lottery.

He doesn’t get it and that’s alright. He’s used to rejection. People tell him it’s not about his skills. _You just don’t fit the vibe. You don’t look right for the role. You’re not this. You’re not that. _

You’re not good enough.

That same night, he’d gotten trashed. He exited the club at half past two in the morning, drunk out of his fucking mind. He’s crying when he sits on the pavement and he doesn’t berate himself for feeling equally worthless as garbage.

And he’s here that he thinks about lights. He’s thinking about what it must feel like to stand up, collide with some vehicle and get shit over with. And it’s here that he meets Kim Yohan.

“You alright?”

Seungwoo looked up and met Yohan’s gaze. The other was drunk, but nearly not as wasted as Seungwoo. Of course Yohan would be some sort of intoxicated, who in their right mind would exit some club at a godforsaken hour without drinking? Who would talk to a stranger sitting in the middle of nowhere without the influence of liquor?

Seungwoo laughed. He’s not sure why he’s laughing. He laughed and he cried and he ended up telling half of his morbid life story to a stranger he didn’t even know the name of.

“Shit’s fucked up, man.” Yohan had said. “Shit’s fucked up, but you just have to stay strong. Sometimes that’s the only thing you can do.”

There was something oddly therapeutic about talking to a stranger. Seungwoo surmised that it’s probably just because Yohan seemed to know what he’s talking about and not just for the sake of comforting some odd stranger he’d met in the middle of nowhere. He seemed to have gone through the same circumstances Seungwoo’s been in and he knew how exactly it felt like.

“Don’t think about it too much. It gets into your head, makes you think of things you really shouldn’t be thinking.” Yohan stood up. “I’m Yohan by the way, I’m a shitty photographer, been tired of living and thought of ending it all too so trust me when I say it’s gonna be fine. Hold on, ‘kay?”

Seungwoo never got the chance to tell Yohan his name.

The second time he met Kim Yohan, his soul must have left him. Seungwoo was a bag of bones, walking out of some penthouse after selling his body to the devil and feeling like he would go out of his fucking mind. He clawed at his skin, wanting to erase the feeling that’s lingered.

The man had promised him the role, he’d promised it to Seungwoo amid whispering filth against Seungwoo’s pale skin, amid digging his nails onto Seungwoo’s throat, amid _you feel so fucking good. Should have come to me sooner. Should have fucked you sooner. _

Seungwoo thought about rooftops, about flying, about dying.

He braced himself but his legs had given out. He crashed to the floor, marble swirls knocked against the skull of his head. He blacked out and it was pure bliss.

This is the first time he woke up to royal blue sheets that would become overly familiar as the years come.

“Yo!”

It had taken some time for Seungwoo to figure out where he’d seen the man.

“You look rough dude. Didn’t crack your skull though, so I guess you’re gonna be fine.”

“You’re that guy.” Seungwoo had said, remembering the name, “Yohan?”

“Yeah.” Yohan chuckled, “I was wondering what the fuck were you doing sprawled in front of my door until I realized you passed out. Dude, you alright?”

“No.”

Yohan stared at him, “Figured out as much, looked like you had a difficult night. Wanna talk about it?”

“No.”

“Alright, what’s your name?”

“Seungwoo.”

“So, Seungwoo wanna eat something?”

The price of fame was half of his sanity and his body. Seungwoo was twenty-two and the taste of his newly sprouted popularity was tart on his tongue. He didn’t think about the lengths he had to go through to reach this point, he didn’t think about his indecision. In front of the camera, he was perfect.

He was whatever you could dream of and he was good. That’s all there is to it.

_It _didn’t stop. The devil had a taste and he’d wanted again and again and again. Seungwoo gritted his teeth and went half insane.

It was alright. This was his dream

Right?

The drama catapulted him to the front rows of the entertainment scene. Han Seungwoo, beautiful and gifted. At twenty-two he was on top of the fucking world and he still thought of what it felt like to fly.

The third time Han Seungwoo met Kim Yohan, they were both drunk at some party. Yohan was egregiously wasted through both liquor and whatever drug that circulated the place like a disease. He had been vulnerable.

He’d recognized Seungwoo even with the haze in his head.

“Hey you’re some big shot now, are you?” Yohan laughed, throwing his head back and he looked too angelic for someone who’s had far too much toxin in his system. “Mr Seungwoo, actor extraordinaire.”

“Yeah. Had to fuck my way up. How about you?”

Yohan stared at him. Seungwoo didn’t care much about his scandalous candor. After all, Yohan had seen him go through enough shit to warrant an honest opinion. An opinion he has yet to give.

“Great, at least you’re getting there.” Yohan blinked. “I’m about as lost as from where I first began.”

“You’re a photographer, right?”

Yohan nodded. “Yep.”

“Wanna take my photos? I’ll do it for you, for free.”

“What a good offer. Will you pose for me naked?”

“Do you want me to?”

The photographer took one glance and shrugged. “I dunno.”

Yohan had a gift with the camera. He made his subjects look as if you can reach through the paper and just touch.

Seungwoo posed for him, naked. Yohan, the artist that he was, had shown Seungwoo to the globe; every inch of his skin portrayed like a blank canvas swirled on with paint and strewn over with inanimate objects.

Seungwoo’s body was Yohan’s greatest masterpiece. For years, the photos held the mystery of who could the body be? Yohan never divulged, for the image of Seungwoo’s visage was his to keep, private and sealed shut.

Somewhere along the way, Yohan became half of Seungwoo’s soul. There could be no other person that knew him to his marrow. Yohan can trace him inside out; every little part, every filthy secret that Seungwoo kept, Yohan knew. Seungwoo was the exact same thing to Yohan

They were vastly different human beings but somehow their demons were at peace with each other.

They built an idyllic utopia on the wings of a butterfly.

“I love you.”

They were twenty-five. Seungwoo was king of his own industry and so is Yohan and they were both cracked beyond recognition.

Seungwoo held Yohan’s hand, drew the photographer to his body. “I know. I’m sorry.”

Han Seungwoo met Lee Jinhyuk.


	7. Chapter 7

Seungyoun wakes up to fingers carding through his hair. His mind is half asleep but he leans further into the touch, nuzzles right into the skin pressed against his face. It’s comfortable, the world could melt over right now and it wouldn’t be enough to move Seungyoun from this state. He feels safe.

He is safe in Seungwoo’s arms.

_Wait a minute. _Seungyoun blinks, the cogs in his brain finally turning. He sees pale, almost flawless alabaster skin before his gaze connects with Seungwoo’s eyes. “Morning, _love._” Seungwoo whispers. Seungyoun belatedly notices that it’s the actor’s fingers drawing mindless patterns on his scalp. Also, _what the fuck, love?_ Seungyoun makes a move to shift but Seungwoo immediately pulls him back. This time, he presses his face on Seungyoun’s neck. “Let’s stay like this for a while. You slept on my chest the entire night. I want my cuddle.”

Seungyoun remembers that he’s had a few bottles of beer last night because he couldn’t shake off the feeling of Seungwoo’s lips, he couldn’t shake off his visceral _want._ He thought he’d make good use of his weak alcohol tolerance for once. He didn’t think he would end up in this state and to make things even worse, he can’t remember what he’d told Seungwoo amid his drunkenness and he’s far too afraid to ask.

Not to mention_ love. What’s up with that?_ Seungyoun probably messed up and it’s Seungwoo being a goddamn tease. His face heats up anyway, he’s like a pathetic teenager. Thankfully he gets to hide and inhale Seungwoo’s scent; he smells of fresh laundry and smoke, what a peculiar combination.

“Youn?”

“Hyung?”

“You’re a pretty adorable drunk but don’t go drinking with strangers, please.”

Seungyoun’s groan is muffled by Seungwoo’s neck. The actor merely laughs at Seungyoun’s suffering right before pressing a chaste kiss on Seungyoun’s forehead. “Thanks for last night, by the way. I needed that.”

_Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. _

“Did I do something incredibly stupid?” Seungyoun murmurs, “Scratch that. Don’t answer it hyung. It’s too early for me to be thinking of digging my own grave.”

“You didn’t do anything, you just told me you wanted to kiss me.”

Seungyoun wants to crawl to the other side of the continent and never show his face for the next decade. “You putting it like that makes me wanna hide and become a hermit. I’m sorry hyung.”

“Did you want it though?”

Seungyoun doesn’t answer, what he does is press his lips on Seungwoo’s neck, just enough to leave the faintest mark. Seungwoo’s sudden, sharp inhale is a sweet victory. Seungwoo eases his hold, “You’re the death of me, Seungyoun.” Seungyoun answers with the sweetest smile he could muster before he sits up and leaves the bed. “I’ll get you painkillers hyung.” In his haste to leave the vicinity he practically crashes into Wooseok in the hallway, who’s unusually grouchy in this _fine_ morning.

He receives the vocalist’s half blind glare, “Ryoun what the hell are you doing running in the hallway? It’s too early for this.” Wooseok is adorable and for all his catlike tendencies, he’s far from having a feline’s grace when he’s being the fae version of the Grinch in the morning. “And did you just come out of Seungwoo hyung’s room? Jesus Ryoun, we have minors in this house!”

Seungyoun slaps a palm over Wooseok’s lips and frantically shakes his head. “I got drunk last night and I almost jumped him. Please don’t hate me, I have fucking feelings.” He whispers vehemently. Wooseok’s teasing expression morphs into concern as he wraps his fingers around Seungyoun’s wrist and pulls the older into the most convenient private space - the bathroom just a few paces behind them. Wooseok inhales, “Alright, speak.”

Seungyoun surmises it’s too early for a meltdown but he’s unraveling from the seams. “Seok, fuck, I don’t know.” He rakes his hair up, and he feels like crying out of nowhere. “I’m getting too attached and I’m too much of a fucking wuss to ask him what his deal is. He called me fucking _love, _how the hell do I react to that?”

Wooseok, being the best friend that he is, immediately senses the edge of panic in Seungyoun’s tone. He pulls the leader down to hug him. “Hey, it’s okay. You can’t fight these things from happening, Seungyoun. But tell him if it’s getting too overwhelming for you. I really don’t want you to get hurt.”

Seungyoun inhales. Wooseok may be petit but his hugs are the best, warm and everything sort of comfortable. Seungyoun is forever grateful. “Thanks Seokkie. Sorry I’m such a fucking mess.”

Wooseok laughs, “Yeah but you’re my mess and I can’t have you all over the place when you have kids to take care of.”

“Love you Seok.”

“Love you too Ryoun, now get off I can’t see shit and you’re crushing me you oaf.”

//

Breakfast with teenagers is a terribly rowdy affair. Half of the group is taken with Seungwoo and they all seem to gravitate towards the actor, even Hyeongjun who took months to be remotely affectionate with Seungyoun already has hearts pouring out of his eyes for Seungwoo - it’s their second meeting! Seungyoun isn’t sure if he’s happy or jealous.

Hangyul, ever loud Hangyul, is rendered unusually speechless. Seungyoun of course notices the dancer’s loaded gazes on the man sitting across him on the table whp just so happen to be Yohan, who’s busy showing Minhee and Junho some of his personal photos. Hangyul rarely forms interest towards other people. Seungyoun’s known him for the better part of four years and Hangyul maybe the most flirtatious human to have ever walked the planet but that’s where he draws the line. He doesn’t do feelings, he hates commitment, he’s too attached to his career and doesn’t have time for everything else. It’s odd that he’s here pining for someone completely unexpected.

_He’s got a difficult past, we both do. _

It’s a statement worth ruminating over, part of the reason why Seungyoun had gotten himself trashed last night. Honestly, to what extent could those words mean? It’s a given that everyone in the industry must have gone through something to achieve the pinnacle of fame. Seungyoun himself has sacrificed his youth, the better part of his teenage years to training. He and Wooseok and everyone else did. It’s not an entirely new concept to wrap his head around with. But something about Seungwoo’s words seemed so locked in that Seungyoun couldn’t stop himself from wondering.

The thing is, he’s probably never going to be ready for the depth of Seungwoo’s past

“Ryoun!”

Seungyoun’s thoughts derail. “Huh, what?” Wooseok looks straight at him. “Were you saying something?”

It’s Seungwoo’s warm palm over Seungyoun’s left thigh that has Seungyoun coming back to Earth in mere seconds. He tries not to get too distracted by the tips of the actor’s fingers slowly brushing the skin that isn’t covered by his shorts. “Anything the matter, Youn?”

Seungyoun blinks. “Uh nothing. Just that we’re back to recording tomorrow.” Seungwoo gives him that smile again, the same smile Seungyoun sees him direct to cute dogs and children. This really couldn’t get any worse but then he says, “Adorable.” Seungyoun wants to scream.

“Oh by the way.” Seungyoun begins, “We’re meeting the producer later.”

“Are we still working with Gray?”

Seungyoun nods, “Yep. That’s what they told me anyway. But better get ready for last minute changes.” Seungwoo squeezes his thigh; Seungyoun almost chokes. “I hope everything turns out well.”

“It’ll turn out well for all of them because they’re young and vital. Unlike your old ass, half shattered bones.” Yohan quips. Seungwoo throws the photographer a baleful glare (which, Seungyoun admits to himself like an afterthought, pretty fucking hot)

“Quit acting like you’re not my age.” Seungwoo deadpans.

Oblivious, Dohyon suddenly asks, “Wait, Yohan sunbae you’re old?”

The whole table erupts into raucous laughter.

//

_This is the best fucking day ever. _

Seungyoun and the rest of his beloved X1 children file into the studio that morning. He could feel his energy radiate from the tips of his fingers, like he couldn’t contain his own excitement. See, Seungyoun adores Gray. The producer is respected and to work with him would be the absolute honor. He’d been expecting to see the slight but talented man but when he walks into the studio and comes face to face with Lee Jinhyuk instead, his legs almost give out.

You see, Seungyoun may have respected Gray but his personal saviour would be Lee Jinhyuk. The tall music producer practically instigated Seungyoun to dream. Seungyoun has always been musically gifted (he barely believes it himself but it’s what everyone else tells him) and his mother had nurtured his inclinations from childhood. When he’d been a teenager, his tastes refined and he found himself leaning onto Hiphop with an adoration for urban R&B. He devoured mix tape after mix tape most of which was from Wei, Lee Jinhyuk, himself. Seungyoun practically idolizes the man, his music is Seungyoun’s most relevant influence.

And to think that he’s about to work with the same person who made his entire youth makes Seungyoun want to cry.

Jinhyuk turns his swivel seat, there’s a big smile plastered on his handsome face. “Oh, hi guys! Sorry about the abrupt change. Seonghwa hyung asked me to produce for you instead.”

Seungyoun is rendered speechless._So this is what it feels like when you’re a fan in front of your idol. _Wooseok surreptitiously gives him a measured wack to the back which effectively sends Seungyoun moving. “H-hello sunbae. We’re honored to work with you.”

Jinhyuk chuckles, “Call me hyung and don’t be so stiff. We’re all friends here.”

_Oh my god, he’s talking to me. He really is talking to me. _

“So who is Seungyoun?”

“It’s me.”

“Good. Heard you produce your own music, wanna hear what I made for you guys?”

Seungyoun couldn’t have nodded his head any faster.

_//_

Seungyoun is having a _moment._ His mind unhelpfully supplies him, in vivid details, his most bookish encounter with Lee Jinhyuk. It’s like a fairy tale come to life. He is so ridiculously happy he cannot stop smiling. He probably looks deranged but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Dreamily sighing, he grabs on to Hyeongjun and grins like a maniac. “Jinhyuk hyung is so talented, I can’t believe he’s producing our debut single.”

The nine of them are in the cafeteria in the lobby eating a late lunch. Amid his chewing, Eunsang frowns, “Hyung, you’ve said that so many times now. We know you’re a fan.

“It’s literally the best day of my life.” Seungyoun says. “Best. Day. Ever.”

“How about you Wooseok. It’s been hours and you barely talked.” Hangyul stares at the other vocalist. “Not so much of a fan?”

Wooseok thoughtfully chews on his food, “I’m good. I know sunbae’s song will be great but Seungyoun do you know Jinhyuk hyung’s entire history? You followed his career, right?”

Seungyoun shakes his head, “I’m here for his music. I’ve never taken that much of an interest outside of it, his personal life is vague to me. Why, should I be worried? Is he actually problematic?”

Wooseok blinks, “This is gonna go really bad, really fast.” He spoons food into his mouth and turns to Hangyul, “Should we tell him?”

Hangyul smirks, “I don’t know. But what I do know is that telling him won’t be fun, right Dohyon-ah?”

“Seungyoun hyung I think you’re in danger.”

The leader nods calmly as he silently surveys the twin dubious looks sported by his closest friends. “I’m pretty sure you’re right, Chacha.”

The recording for _Flash_ begins that day. Seungyoun immediately catches on to the urban EDM influence and decides that he likes it. He also realizes that Lee Jinhyuk, despite his superstar popularity level in the music production scene, is just a six-feet-something dork. The producer is encouraging and his praises seemed so heartfelt. Seungyoun is proud of himself for choosing the right person to idolize.

He’s in this giddy, contented state when he sneaks out of the dorm early in the morning. He’s still buzzing with so much unspent energy and he wants to channel it into something - though in hindsight all he wants to do is _gush._

Maybe he could entertain Seungwoo with stories from today and like their minds are connected, Seungyoun’s forgotten phone pings from underneath his pillow. He opens the device to Seungwoo’s text message.

**Seungwoo hyung ~**

_Youn, are you up? _

Received, 1:20AM

**Seungwoo hyung ~**

_Who am I kidding. Sleep tight, Youn. I miss you already _

Received, 1:21AM

Seungyoun stares at the messages and his chest feels like it’s about to burst open. He doesn’t want to think about _this _whatever it is but Seungwoo makes it impossible to not catch on to unnecessary feelings. Seungyoun is fully aware of where they stand, of what they are. Seungyoun read it on that goddamned NDA and he’d drilled into his own head that he cannot fall in love.

_It’s an act Seungyoun, and he’s the best goddamn actor in this country. You should know better. _

But does the act entail distraught messages sent in the earliest hours of the morning, where Seungyoun restlessly lies on his bed thinking about ways to make Seungwoo happy. Does the act entail quiet declarations of longing where no cameras can capture the delight on Seungyoun’s face, where no one can hear the loud beating of Seungyoun’s heart.

Does the act entail falling in love through the process of faking it? Seungyoun is confused.

_I’m awake hyung. ^^_

Sent, 1:30AM

_Can’t sleep?_

Sent, 1:32AM

**Seungwoo hyung ~**

_Did I wake you? I’m sorry._

Received, 1:33AM

_Nope, can’t sleep too. Wanna see you. Can I come over?_

Sent, 1:34AM

Seungyoun brings a pillow to his face and muffles a scream.

**Seungwoo hyung ~**

_I’m not at home, Youn. I’m at the set, it’s near your dorm actually._

_We’re trying to finish a few scenes. _

Received, 1:35AM

**Seungwoo hyung ~**

_My shoulder is killing me. I’m thirty years old and I wanna cry for my mother right now hahaha. _

Received, 1:36AM

Seungyoun laughs.

_That’s it. I’m coming over, drop the location hyung._

Sent, 1:37AM

The set is just a ten minute drive from Seungyoun’s dorm, it’s on the left bank of Han River. He’s bundled up in Seungwoo’s Balenciaga coat (Seungyoun finally relented after Seungwoo sent it back to him with a note that said, _my clothes look good on you)_ with a box of health drinks, a big bag of snacks, and some OTC painkillers, just in case Seungwoo ran out.

He texts Seungwoo when he arrives and the actor goes out of his way to meet him. Seungyoun worriedly stares at the cast supporting Seungwoo’s arm. Seungwoo just draws Seungyoun to an embrace, mumbling something about_ “_I’m fine. Don’t worry, just a little bit in pain.”

Seungyoun gingerly wraps his arms around Seungwoo torso and buries his face on the actor’s neck. “But you told me you wanted to cry for your mother. That’s not exactly the most reassuring thing.” He’s whining like he’s someone important in Seungwoo life and Seungyoun immediately stops to rearrange his thoughts. _God, what am I doing? _

“Oh, so it’s true. The great wall of ice Han Seungwoo is in love.”

Seungyoun exhales as he removes his face from Seungwoo’s neck. There’s a man smiling behind them. The man has slanted eyes and brown hair matching his amber eyes. Seungwoo sighs, “Youn-ah, this is Seungsik. He plays the bad guy in real life and in film.”

The man, Seungsik, laughs. “It’s nice to meet you Seungyoun and I’m not a bad guy.”

Seungyoun smiles and he bows in formal greeting. “It’s nice to meet you too sunbae.”

“Precious. Anyway, I came here to tell you that the shoot restarts in sixty minutes and the makeup tent is vacant.” Seungsik winks. “See you around, Seungyoun.”

Seungyoun doesn’t want to think about the implications of that wink but his face starts heating up anyway. Seungwoo takes one look at him and chuckles, “You’re so cute Seungyoun. Why is that?” he brushes Seungyoun’s flaming cheek and grins. Seungyoun just smiles, “I was born cute. It’s in the genes.”

Later, they’re strolling through the length of the river, fingers slotted together. It’s almost three in the morning and the quiet is only broken by the silent howling of the wind. Seungyoun is almost unused to the stillness. “How’s the recording?” Seungwoo asks as he rubs his thumb on the back of Seungyoun’s palm. “Anything interesting, happened?”

“We changed producers.” Seungyoun replies, “We were supposed to work with Gray but it was Lee Jinhyuk we met earlier. He’s amazing, hyung. He’s a really good songwriter.”

Seungwoo’s grip tightens. Seungyoun misses the complete look of surprise that passes through Seungwoo’s face for it’s there and gone in a heartbeat. “Jinhyuk?” Seungyoun nods, “Yes. Do you know him hyung?” Seungwoo doesn’t answer and Seungyoun surmises that he’s probably tired of Seungyoun’s unnecessary anecdotes.

“Yes, Youn. He’s my ex-boyfriend.”

Seungyoun blinks, “So this is what Wooseok meant. I’m sorry hyung, I didn’t mean to pry.

“Not to be conceited but it truly amazes me that you don’t know. Our relationship fell apart late last year and the media went crazy. We were the talk in the grapevine. It was crazy.”

Sheepishly, Seungyoun scratches the back of his neck, “Frankly I was really disconnected from everything last year hyung. I was hyper-fixated on practicing since they announced that we’re gonna debut.”

“Honestly, I’m glad you don’t know. It’s a reassurance that not everyone knows what’s going on in my private life. It’s a long shot but at least it’s there.”

Seungyoun ponders on these words and thinks about all of Seungwoo’s sacrifices to reach this point. Fame is rarely a good thing, Seungyoun at least knows this and he’s prepared to give up a lot for his dreams.

But to profit off someone’s pain seemed too much, even for the country’s most premier celebrity. Seungwoo’s still human despite everything else.

“You’re thinking too much Seungyoun.” Seungwoo breaks his reverie by pressing his lips on Seungyoun’s cheek. “I’m fine now. The breakup was a fucking mess but I managed to cope with it. Don’t worry about me.”

Seungyoun stares at the actor. Seungwoo looks so painfully _human, _it’s dark and it’s cold and Seungwoo’s face is a portrait of exhaustion and Seungyoun still finds him so beautiful. He’s afraid of the way he casually admits to himself that he’s fallen in love. It’s not about the cameras, it’s not about X1, it’s just him and Seungwoo.

He leans forward and presses his lips to Seungwoo’s in the least sexual manner. Seungyoun is an overfilled glass and he thinks that if he doesn’t do anything he will spill. He doesn’t want that to happen, not when the line between reality and publicity has been blurred beyond recognition.

Seungyoun thinks about telling Seungwoo that he loves him when they part.

He doesn’t.

Instead, he says. “But I want to worry about you, hyung. I care about you so much.”

Seungwoo answers by fusing their lips together. "Seungyoun, don't fall in love with Lee Jinhyuk." 

//

**NAVER: “X1 officially debuts with 1st Mini Album ‘Quantum Leap’ + 1st week sales break records.**

[+178967, -7699] say it with me, X1 ROTY

[+121112, -2121] these boys are going places. The album was fantastic.

[+143531, -2898] as expected of Lee Jinhyuk. It’s funny because Seungyoun’s linked with his ex but he still delivered the bop of the century.

[+45353, -2314] I wonder if seungwoo’s jealous. It’s been months and the rumors are still running rampant and now his ex worked with his ‘boyfriend’ how intriguing.

//

**Dispatch: Actor A’s past come to light.**

[+5421, -212] oh wow, that was a complete and total surprise.

[+3222, -432] heol. drugs, prostitution and manipulation. I wonder if there’s any truth to this, it’s gonna be a complete fcking mess. Can’t wait.

[+1211, - 221] any bets on who actor A is? Kekekekekeke. Can’t wait for the rest. Been boring recently.

//

Han Seungwoo **@hanswoo**

_[image attached] _

_I feel at peace when I’m with you. Thanks, love. _

**samita **WHAT THE FUCK???? LOVE??? WHOMST????

**thirstyeunsang** if this is seungyoun I’m gonna fucking cry. Just tell us already please jhlksakhdlkdhlkdh

**Showmyun** I AM DYING


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i changed the rating, heads up.

Hospitals must be the bane of Seungwoo’s existence, amid other things. He’s not particularly enthused of being in one with a complete fucking stranger prying at his skin. Unfortunately, he’s also the type of person who gets injured a few times a year, it’s like he’s got some sort of magnetic attraction towards the place.

He has Yohan with him this time. The photographer casually scrolls through his social media feed while Seungwoo’s doctor pores over his injured shoulder.

“Jinhyuk’s back?” Yohan tonelessly asks. “Since when?”

“Fuck if I know.” Seungwoo answers, screwing his eyes shut as the doctor slightly pushes down on the point of his injured shoulder. “It was Seungyoun who told me. Jinhyuk produced X1’s carrier single.”

Yohan chuckles, “I’m surprised you haven’t busted a lung. You sure Jinhyuk ain’t swiping your man? Why’s he even back in the first place? I thought he made himself scarce after you guys fell out.”

“First of all, Seungyoun’s not my man. Second, I’m not sure why Jinhyuk resurfaced nor am I concerned. He probably hates my guts and I’m inclined to return the sentiment.”

Yohan laughs, “I can’t believe you guys used to be the same people who were so in love with each other that it’s almost disgusting. Love is indeed a lie. Don’t you think so Doc Choi?”

The kind doctor simply chuckles, “Don’t ask me. I’ve never been in a relationship and I don’t think I can handle being in one. I also think love’s a far too vague concept for human beings.”

“Such a man of science.” Seungwoo deadpans. “Anyway, what’s the verdict on the shoulder Byungchan?”

“It’s healing well, your last X-ray gives you a good prognosis. But I strongly suggest that you just relent about the stunt doubles for your own sake.”

Seungwoo groans, “The director is gonna chop my neck with the number of reshoots we’ll have to do. Just my goddamn luck.” Byungchan clicks his tongue at the actor, “Don’t be so pessimistic Han. You can do all the life threatening scenes when your shoulder recovers, but for now don’t push it.”

//

The moment they arrive in his flat, Seungwoo immediately drags Yohan to him. They kiss; nothing sexual but borderline violent. Through the years, kissing seemed to be a form of greeting, a form of relief, an escape from frustration. It usually ends up with either of them begging for more. But somehow, somehow Seungwoo finds himself stopping before he crosses the metaphorical line of no return. “I loathe my life and I’m so fucking stressed.” He says against the seam of Yohan’s mouth.

The photographer kisses Seungwoo one more time, possibly even more violent than its predecessor. “You know what I hate?” He asks more to himself, “I hate that I’m allowing you so freely to use me as an emotional punching bag. Do I serve the purpose Woo?”

They stagger to the couch where Yohan’s back hits the leather as Seungwoo straddles his thighs. He stares at the photographer underneath him before he leans down and gently fuses their lips together. “I’m sorry, Han.” Seungwoo says before he collapses on top of Yohan. Yohan throws his arms around Seungwoo’s back.

He wonders how an embrace can be so intimate and be so platonic at the same time.

Seungwoo whispers, “I love you, do you know that?”

Yohan chuckles, “As your best friend? I know. I love you too Seungwoo.”

“My life is such a fucking mess.” Seungwoo admits, “Why can’t things go right for once, fuck.”

Yohan rakes Seungwoo’s hair back and stays quiet for a few seconds. “You’re in love with him aren’t you and you’re so afraid of fucking it all up on top of everything that’s going on right now.”

“I don’t know.”

Yohan rubs his thumb across Seungwoo’s cheek. It’s an action that seemed loaded more than everything they have done and will do. “I’m sorry, Seungwoo. I know I’m not good for you. After all we’ve done and fucked each other up all these years but you know what, you’re still soft underneath this impenetrable armor. You can change. Maybe we can change.”

“What’s got you like this?” Seungwoo forwards to press his face on the space between Yohan’s neck and shoulder, “You’re so…soft.”

Yohan exhales, “Hangyul.”

Surprised, Seungwoo pulls back to stare at the photographer. There’s a gentle smile on Yohan’s lips. “Since when?”

“I don’t know. Things just happened.”

“What things? I thought you said you don’t go for younger people.”

“Get your mind out of the gutter. We just had some late night coffee, talked, the works. He’s got some very interesting view on things. I was intrigued.”

“I’m happy for you, Yohan.”

“Jesus Seungwoo, we’re friends. Kid went for all my soft spots, you know I’m weak for the passionate type. He’s unlike you, you jaded bastard.” Seungwoo rolls to the side and he’s thankful that his couch is wide enough to occupy them both. The pain in his shoulder stings, albeit bluntly. “I can’t believe this. Who would have fucking thought we were going to find the metaphorical, elusive road to redemption on boy group members years younger than us. Unbelievable.” 

Yohan chuckles, “I’m not in love with Hangyul.”

“Yet.”

“Seriously, Seungwoo. I’m not.”

“It’s because of me, isn’t it? You’re afraid to try again because I hurt you.”

“It’s not your fault that you don’t love me.” Yohan mirthlessly chuckles, “I’ve long accepted things for what they are; we’re platonic soulmates as you’ve so creatively said and that’s it. Things are just…difficult right now and I haven’t learned how to deal with them, yet. So, about Seungyoun, it’s the real deal huh?”

“I don’t know.” Seungwoo stares at the ceiling and ruminates over his choice of words. “But it feels right. Have you ever felt that way with another person? You kinda just forget the whole fucking world and just breathe. I’ve been with Jinhyuk for so long and it’s not even close to what Seungyoun is to me right now.” He turns to his side and finds Yohan staring right at him. The photographer has a small smile playing on his lips. “I’m happy for you. Just don’t get hurt, the both of you.”

“You deserve it too, you know, happiness.”

“Maybe someday, when I’m completely and totally over you. Just give me a bit more time darling.”

Seungwoo’s cheeks flame, some sort of by product of Yohan’s teasing throughout the years that his body reacts in an almost Pavlovian manner. “Quit calling me that.”

Yohan laughs, “I can’t believe we’re having this conversation in broad daylight and sober as the day we were born. Some character development this is.” To this, Seungwoo smiles.

//

Jealousy is a peculiar thing.

Seungwoo likes to think that he is a rather levelheaded man. He’s got most of his fanciful inclinations under lock and key and he’d soon rather get run over than allow these emotions to get the better of him.

Alas, things rarely work out as planned and he sees red.

Seungwoo hadn’t had a nick of sleep for the last thirty-six hours. He’s running on a lethal combination of nicotine, caffeine and sheer force of will. He surmises he must be absolutely out of it when he sees the bouquet of Dahlias in his grasp that he’d bought almost mindlessly. The flowers are in such a hideous purple shade and he is half thankful that he’d managed to catch his error just in time. He dumps the Dahlias. In hindsight, Seungyoun does not seem to be the type to like flowers anyway.

Seungwoo claps a palm on his face. _What am I doing?_

He stands outside the studio, _Jinhyuk’s studio_, and a barrage of images assault him. He’d spent a considerable amount of time in this very place, at least before their relationship fell apart faster than eroding sand castles. They were good memories. Jinhyuk was a good man. _Where did we go wrong? Where did I go wrong? _

_“It’s not working anymore.”_

It was such a self serving reason but Seungwoo has never and will never put it against Jinhyuk. It was selfish but it was the bitter, undisputed truth. In retrospect, it’s commendable that Jinhyuk waited years to call it quits. He saw their situation for what it was and he tried when Seungwoo couldn’t.

Sometimes, love isn’t enough.

The headache he’d been acclimating himself with since earlier made itself known once again, slicing through the back of Seungwoo’s skull to his temples. He needs to see Seungyoun, he needs a charge. He knocks against the frosted glass door, fully expecting to come face to face with his ex. It’s Seungyoun’s catlike friend, Wooseok, who opens the door instead.

“Hi.” Seungwoo greets. He feels like an idiot as eight pairs of eyes turn towards his general direction. Wooseok steps aside to let the actor in, “Ryoun’s in the recording booth, hyung.”

“Yeah. Thanks.” Seungwoo says, eyes boring directly to the glass panel just in time to see Jinhyuk run his fingers through Seungyoun’s hair. Seungwoo’s organs feel like melting over each other.

“Have they been there that long?”

Wooseok nods, “They’re about to finish. Ryoun’s leading the chorus, Jinhyuk sunbae’s been trying to give him tips.”

For the first time in a really long while, Seungwoo is rendered speechless. He thinks about the stem of his ill feelings and tries not to put too much thought about Jinhyuk’s hand running through Seungyoun’s hair.

But Seungwoo sees red and his mind blares its unnecessary warnings. _Mine. Seungyoun is mine. _He is in this state when Jinhyuk steps out of the recording booth.

Han Seungwoo and Lee Jinhyuk’s first meeting after eleven months goes like this. Jinhyuk, ever clumsy, backs right towards unsuspecting Seungwoo. The actor, agonizing with his sleepless brain, casually topples to the ground like a wilting flower. Quiet settles upon the occupants of the studio, save for Seungyoun who can’t see anything past the two-way mirror window of the recording booth. Jinhyuk quickly comes to his senses though no word leaves his mouth even as he helps Seungwoo to his feet.

After a minute of quiet consideration which elapsed like an eternity, Jinhyuk finally asks “Woo what are you doing here?” Jinhyuk still had those eyes, they shone with such childlike naivete and Seungwoo almost feels terrible for harboring such ill thoughts.

“Sorry for coming in without notice.” Seungwoo says, words clipped short. “I was looking for Seungyoun.”

“It’s alright.” Jinhyuk stares. “Hey, do you mind doing me a favor?”

Seungwoo raises an impeccably shaped brow. “Depends. What do you need?” He can feel the gazes of eight pairs of curious eyes waiting upon their peculiar exchange.

“I need you to sing an adlib. It just literally occurred to me; you’re the solution to my problem.”

“Excuse me?”

Jinhyuk does not explain further, which is typical of him. He simply hands Seungwoo a pair of noise canceling headphones before he pushes the actor into the recording booth. “You’ve done this so many times. It’s the basics, I’ll relay you the instructions through the intercom.”

Seungyoun, oblivious to what had been happening outside of the recording booth is aptly surprised to see Seungwoo. The actor looks at the idol and feels a strange sort of clenching underneath his ribcage. He wants to draw Seungyoun to his body, kiss him senseless and ignore the world for a while. It’s an agonizingly specific desire and Seungwoo isn’t wholly sure how it had come to this. When did he even start needing Seungyoun?

The idol, though surprised, manages a small smile. Seungyoun is beautiful in every sense of the word, waxing poetically about it, he makes Seungwoo’s knees weak. It’s a pathetic hyperbole, cliche even for an actor like him.

“Seungwoo hyung, what?” Seungyoun cannot finish his sentence because Seungwoo had haphazardly pulled Seungyoun closer. He closes his arms around Seungyoun’s torso and breathes at the scent so highly concentrated on Seungyoun’s pulse point.

“I am jealous.” Seungwoo casually admits though his blood vessels seem to shrivel from how nervous he is. “Don’t fall in love with him.” He repeats not for Seungyoun but for himself. But Seungwoo is weak and he has started harboring affections that would be detrimental for the both of them in the long run. Seungyoun merely giggles as he slowly disentangles from the loose embrace. He meets Seungwoo’s gaze, “Hyung what are you talking about?”

Seungwoo shakes his head and before he could further elucidate on his cryptic words, Jinhyuk’s voice filters clearly through the intercom. Seungwoo could hear the casual mocking on the producer’s tone. “Quit on the PDA for a while. Woo, I’m gonna play you the beat, just go with it.”

They have done this so many times when they were together. Jinhyuk’s fans often wondered whose voice sang his songs’ backings, adlibs and the infrequent featuring. Seungwoo liked the novelty that came with being the mysterious singer so he always gave into Jinhyuk’s whims when he had time. A few albums later, he’s still yet to reveal that it was his voice.

Seungwoo is not new to this and it’s almost surprising that he knows how exactly Jinhyuk wanted this song to sound like, even the cobwebbed cogs of Seungwoo’s mind know what to do.

It is unnerving.

Seungwoo closes his eyes and faces the mic; he sings.

The recording goes smoothly and even his adlibs go perfectly with the overall vibe of the song.

//

The glitz and glamour of the entertainment industry serve as inane distractions to keep his world from tilting off kilter. He’s a method actor, he hides behind blinding half truths and the most ideal lifestyle television could manipulate for him.

In all honesty, Seungwoo is not a patient man though he conceals this personality flaw quite well. _Hold back, hold back, hold back_ he often tells himself in situations he particularly loathed. But this is something that truly ticked Seungwoo like nothing else. This, being an audience to Jinhyuk’s poorly concealed attempts to get closer to Seungyoun for whatever fucking vendetta he may have, doesn’t sit well with Seungwoo. He cannot sit still as he watches Seungyoun flush red in delight with Jinhyuk’s compliments.

Rationally, he tells himself that it could probably be just the producer’s way of showing professionalism. Seungwoo should understand.

Seungwoo drinks in his lethal combination of fear and jealousy and stews in his thoughts for long. What if the unimaginable happens, what if he’s left behind again, what if he willingly gives up the shattered remains of his heart just to get it pulverized once more.

What if he falls in love and it isn’t reciprocated?

He just doesn’t want to think anymore. He grabs Seungyoun by the wrist in the midst of Wooseok’s recording session. Seungyoun allows himself to be dragged out of the studio and into the vacated and dimly lit hallway. Seungwoo backs the idol to the wall, cages him in; his palms flank either side of Seungyoun’s face. The idol stares openly, his gaze held a lot and Seungwoo could read through each tiny difference that alters Seungyoun’s expression.

His heart races. “You’re something else.” And he doesn’t let Seungyoun respond because he is already leaning forward and pressing his lips to Seungyoun’s. A little gasp escapes Seungyoun as Seungwoo licks the seam of Seungyoun’s mouth, teases his tongue against the inner portion of Seungyoun’s cheek. He moves his hands to Seungyoun’s face, pulling him further and maybe Seungwoo wants him to understand, that please _not him. _Seungyoun has to anchor himself on Seungwoo’s shoulder blades and it pleases Seungwoo that he could elicit this sort of reaction from him. 

This kiss isn’t camera friendly, isn’t curated for television. This kiss is Seungwoo’s unspoken want and the emotion he’d rather suppress before it gets the better of them both. It’s needy, filthy - it’s desire.

When they part, Seungyoun is breathless and his pupils blown. Something deep inside Seungwoo is absolutely pleased to have reduced Seungyoun to this state.

“Seungwoo.” Seungyoun breathes before he’s surging forward once more. They make out in that hallway and Seungwoo can hardly bring himself to care if they’ve been seen.

“Call me that, call me by my name.”

//

_You were beautiful on that stage._

Sent, 9:00PM

_Your fans gave me more banners with your face on it. _

_They’re adorable. _

Sent, 9:00PM

**Seungyounie**

_Thank you Seungwoo hyung! _

_I saw you and it gave me courage! _

_My knees were literally shaking I hope no one noticed. TT _

Received, 9:03PM

**Seungyounie**

_I also got your flowers! _

_How’d you know I liked sunflowers and daisies the most?_

Received, 9:05PM

_Wild guess? I didn’t think you would like red roses and purple dahlias anyway._

_ I’m happy you liked them. _

Sent, 9:06PM

_Also, you performed perfectly. All of you did. _

_I don’t think anyone noticed your shaky grandpa knees. _

Sent, 9:07PM

**Seungyounie**

_Mean! I don’t have grandpa knees! _

_But thank you. I’m suddenly shy._

Received, 9:08PM

_I’m sorry I couldn’t personally congratulate you kids on the recent win. _

_This goddamn film is taking me away from everything and everyone except Seungsik. _

Sent, 9:11PM

_I can’t even see you in person and it’s been days now. _

_I miss you, Youn. Say it back please._

Sent, 9:12PM

**Seungyounie**

_Hyuuuuung. _

_Wooseok keeps laughing at me._

_ I feel like I’m gonna fucking catch on fire._

Received, 9:15PM

**Seungyounie**

_Take care of that shoulder grandpa. Don’t get hurt._

Received, 9:16

** _Seungyounie_ **

_Also, I miss you too Seungwoo hyung._

Received, 9:18PM

_I love you, Youn. _

Drafted, 9:19PM

_Good, I’ll bring you something from Italy. Anticipate your 23rd birthday gift from me. _

Sent, 9:20PM

**Seungyounie**

_Shaking in excitement sksksksksk. _

Received, 9:25PM

//

Their charged moment in that deserted hallway shifted their pseudo relationship into an entirely new trajectory. Seungwoo is aware that their farce is a publicity stunt. Though it’s not explicitly stated that they’re forbidden to develop some sort of real attraction, Seungwoo knows that he occupies more than half of CEO Lee’s bullet list of headaches and another dating announcement might actually bar him from work.

But he can’t help it. Seungyoun is Newton’s apple inadvertently falling to Seungwoo’s earth through the pull of gravity. He is willing to risk his own career at this point; he is willing to risk it all to hell for the peace that Seungyoun brings to his chaos of a life.

The thing is, does Seungyoun feel the same? Will Seungyoun feel the same? Seungwoo will understand if Seungyoun cannot give up the stage in exchange for Seungwoo. He is young, he has yet to take the first few steps towards the pinnacle of fame and Seungwoo does not want to be the hindrance to that, he does not want to be a road block. He doesn’t want Seungyoun to regret them in the end.

He really should have put his foot forward and decided against this bullshit of a charade. He would have gladly spiraled to hell by his own without worrying if he’s dragging someone else down with him. It’s like a curse and a blessing. Out of all people, why must it be Seungyoun?

And why is it so hard to fight this attraction?

Seungyoun is trying him these days. It’s too much. Frankly, Seungwoo has been on the edge of his sanity and one little shove, one little move, he will combust.

He had completed all his scenes. Filming throughout central Europe had taken the crew a few weeks to complete. Seungwoo has been away for so long and he misses Seungyoun to his marrow, it could be akin to drug withdrawal.

And whose fault?

Cho Seungyoun. It’s always Cho Seungyoun, the boy didn’t even have to try; Seungwoo is already on his knees. The first few days after his flight landed, were spent tailing Seungyoun at music shows and acting like a bona fide fan along with a couple of vigorous men and women screaming for X1.

And then dates. Late night walks, early morning tea runs, making out in his vehicle, Seungyoun driving him mad with want.

Tonight was a rare time he could feel and move like himself. No cameras around to judge him when he gets himself gradually trashed; the music and the alcohol start to to get to him. He’s a bit drunk and he’s been staring at Seungyoun for what seems like hours now.

It’s the eve of Seungyoun’s twenty-third birthday and he is so beautiful. The strobe lights cast hypnotic colors on Seungyoun’s face and the mass of bodies undulating on the packed dance floor.

Seungyoun sways to the loud thumping of the bass with a drink in hand; he is obviously happy surrounded by his closest friends celebrating his life and enjoying his youth.

So, so beautiful and Seungwoo just wants to _taint_ him. The want is wholly consuming him that when he closes his eyes he could hear Seungyoun, he could see Seungyoun - underneath him, above him. _Fuck. _Seungwoo hasn’t wanted anyone this fucking badly in years, he feels like going out of his fucking mind. The beat changes and it shifts into another song. Seungyoun is obviously pleased. He’s not dancing; he’s gyrating his hips in the most indecent manner and driving Seungwoo absolutely insane.

_You better wear that dress I like _

_It’s a special kind of night_

Seungwoo finishes the shot of whiskey in front of him and saunters to Seungyoun’s direction. The want blazes like liquid fire through his blood and if he doesn’t get to have Seungyoun, he will snap. _Fuck it all to hell._ Seungwoo’s always been the kind to not give into his whims but this time it’s not a whim, it’s a need. He needs Seungyoun. He needs to hear him scream.

_Put that classic R&B on_

_Po’ you something you can sip on_

_Cause we gon’ get it on tonight_

_Champagne glasses on the door_

Seungwoo has his arm around Seungyeon’s middle in no time, then he’s harshly pulling the idol to his person and grinding against him just as lewdly. Seungyoun can have a taste of his own medicine.

_“Baby you can get comfortable.” _Seungwoo mouths the lyrics against the skin of Seungyoun’s neck. His hands are on the small of Seungyoun’s back, traipsing lower right on top of Seungyoun’s clothed ass. Seungyoun seems lucid enough as he slings both his arms around Seungwoo’s neck, like he’s goading. Seungwoo palms him in retaliation. Seungyoun staggers and then he’s collapsing against Seungwoo’s body, the moan that left his lips was drowned amid all the noises in the club.

“What else do you want from me, _love_?” Seungwoo asks, kissing the hollow of Seungyoun’s throat and completely uncaring of whatever reactions he may garner from all the people around them. Seungyoun grabs onto Seungwoo’s waist, clutching so hard as if he wants to save himself from an impending fall. “For your birthday, of course.” He presses another open mouthed kiss on Seungyoun’s neck as his hands find their way underneath Seungyoun’s shirt. Seungyoun’s skin is blazing hot against Seungwoo’s cold palm.

_“Oh my god.”_ Seungyoun pants, _“You, hyung. I want you.”_

This is it, screw it all to the fifth circle of hell.

Seungwoo doesn’t know how he manages to fully sober himself for the tense drive back - it’s the most excruciating ten minutes of his life. He tries not to get distracted but Seungyoun had put his palm on top of Seungwoo’s right thigh and most of Seungwoo’s cohesive thoughts had gone down the drain.

Seungwoo parks his vehicle haphazardly; in the lift he had barely stopped himself from going down on his knees and taking Seungyoun’s cock into his mouth.

The boy really tested him these last few weeks.

Seungwoo pulls Seungyoun towards him even before he could close the door to his flat. He bodily pushes Seungyoun against the wooden paneling and kisses him hard. He wedges a knee in between Seungyoun’s thighs and Seungyoun begins to fall apart. Seungwoo chuckles as he pulls back to survey the idol’s countenance. He is pleased to see Seungyoun’s dark pupils, blown so wide, his kiss swollen lips and the pretty flush on his face.

It’s Seungwoo’s voice that damns Seungwoo.

“Seungwoo please.” Seungyoun whispers as he wraps his arms around Seungwoo’s neck to pull him back. “Please.”

Seungwoo chuckles as he works his lips on Seungyoun’s mouth, cheeks, blazing low down to Seungyoun’s jaw. He hardly cares when his hands tear through the buttons holding Seungyoun’s shirt together. Seungyoun helplessly ruts against Seungwoo, panting with so much need and feeding into Seungwoo’s ego just right. Seungyoun grasps the short hairs on the back of Seungwoo’s head and mewls into Seungwoo’s mouth.

Seungwoo’s mind is a blank, filled of nothing but the curling pleasure in his gut and Seungyoun, Seungyoun_, Seungyoun._

“You’re the death of me.” Seungwoo whispers, pressing short kisses on the swell of Seungyoun’s cheek. “You’re perfect and you will be the death of me.” He runs his hands through Seungyoun’s chest, wanting to emblazon every dip and curve of Seungyoun’s skin to his memory. He wants to be consumed by this feeling. Seungyoun shakes in his hold.

So fucking beautiful.

He presses his face on the slot where Seungwoo’s neck met his shoulder and gasps. “Seungwoo, hyung,-” Seungyoun’s tone is high and his desperation is evident in the way he grinds his crotch against Seungwoo’s. Seungwoo vehemently swears and he just wants to fuck Seungyoun against this godforsaken door, press so hard into him that they’re both screaming. If the entire floor hears, Seungwoo doesn’t care.

The both of them can go out of their fucking minds in pain and pleasure.

But then Seungyoun manages to complete his sentence, every word indented with a desperate moan. “Seungwoo, I’ve never -”

Seungwoo’s mind clears into a fucking spring day in mere seconds. The haze that had clouded him dissipates as he processes through Seungyoun’s confession. “You’ve never been with anyone?” Seungyoun nods, looking so embarrassed. Seungwoo is ashamed to admit that the mental picture made his pants a little bit tighter. He really is truly fucked.

“Seungyoun.” Seungwoo breathes before he cups Seungyoun’s face and fuses their lips together. It’s gentle and it calms the boil to a gentle simmer. He kisses Seungyoun like he’s breakable, like he’s fragile. “Do you want me?”

“So much.” Seungyoun answers, “Seungwoo, please.”

Seungwoo _wanted_ though he hadn’t expected this, even in his wildest dreams. Maybe for later, but for now all he wants is to worship Seungoun if he could. It’s what he deserves. “C’mere.”

It’s an unstable stagger to the nearest bedroom because Seungyoun is incredibly needy, refusing to cease kissing even as Seungwoo peels off their clothing. When Seungyoun’s naked back hits the mattress. Seungwoo leans down and works his mouth over every inch of Seungyoun he could reach. His hands roam south, pulling the last of Seungyoun’s clothing off. He makes the most wonderful, pleased noises. The way Seungyoun tries to hold back from violently twisting Seungwoo’s hair when Seungwoo marks down his hipbones, kisses the inner side of his thighs, takes his cock into his mouth would have been adorable if the situation wasn’t so indecent.

Seungyoun begs and begs and it sounds like a symphony to Seungwoo’s ears.

“So close,” Seungyoun keens, “want to, _please.”_

Seungwoo stops, pulling away abruptly. The frustrated cry that leaves Seungyoun’s lungs is devastating and at the same time so bloody lewd that it goes straight to Seungwoo’s cock.

Overwhelmed, the idol starts crying. Seungwoo is so, so pleased to have reduced Seungyoun to this.

“What do you want?”

“Wanna come, please _Seungwoo.” _

Seungwoo starts to feel something more than lust, more than this need. He kisses Seungyoun again, filthy and sensual. He swallows all of Seungyoun's desperation and presses the rest of the emotions he does not know what to do with on Seungyoun’s neck. Seungyoun gasps helplessly and locks his legs around Seungwoo’s torso. Seungwoo’s brain feels like it’s melting, his mouth fills with cotton.

Seungyoun pleads, endlessly, mindlessly. _“Please, please, please.”_

“I know _baby,_ I know. I’ll make you feel good I promise.” He makes quick work of the lube he’d grabbed from the side table drawer and pours more than necessary on his fingers. Seungyoun keens when he slides into him with long fingers.

Seungyoun slowly loses his mind. The feeling is agonizing and perfect_, so, so perfect. He could die like this._

_ “Fuck me.”_

Seungwoo loses some of his composure. He pulls back, makes quick work of the condom and finally, _finally,_ fucks into Seungyoun with such held back intensity. Seungyoun lets out a bitten off scream. Seungwoo presses his fingers onto Seungyoun’s sides - there will be imprints there for he squeezes with every thrust - and pants against Seungyoun’s mouth.

Seungyoun is on fire. His mind could not process anything through the haze of pleasure igniting every single one of his nerve endings. He moans, each indented with a curse and a melodic chanting of the actor’s name.

Just as suddenly, Seungwoo sits on his legs, pulling Seungyoun up with him. The angle directs a sharp stab right onto Seungyoun’s spot that he couldn’t even make a sound. It’s like oxygen is sucked off his lungs, it’s heaven and hell, it’s drowning and coming up for air. His every cell and nerve igniting and lighting up from end to end. Seungyoun anchors himself on Seungwoo’s shoulders and _sobs. _Seungwoo’s upwards thrusts render him half insane and he cannot do anything but claw down Seungwoo’s back for purchase. The tears don’t stop, “Hyung_, please fuck,_ I can’t_ -” _

_“Let go Seungyoun, let go.” _Seungwoo kisses him in the filthiest yet most revering manner and Seungyoun does. He comes completely untouched, the mere edge in Seungwoo’s tone has him seeing stars.

His climax peaks and washes through him. Seungyoun’s mind is a blank canvass for a few short seconds. He can’t stop shuddering.

_It’s good. Feels so so so good. _

Seungwoo lays Seungyoun back and eases him through the high with short chaste kisses that he presses over Seungyoun’s face. Seungyoun shakes when Seungwoo caresses long fingers over his oversensitive body.

Seungyoun whines, his mind still blissfully blank. “Hyung you didn’t.”

“Don’t worry about me, Youn. I’m fine. How do you feel?”

Seungyoun smiles. He feels drunk. “So good, want you to come, _hng,_ please, please.” He pushes Seungwoo to his back, straddles his thighs so he could guide Seungwoo into him. Seungyoun moans at the obscene slide; his entire body tingles.

It’s pathetic how he can’t even hold himself up properly.

“Can’t,” Seungyoun whispers, “Sorry.”

Seungwoo’s smile is sweet considering what’s happening. Seungyoun doesn’t want him to be sweet , not when he’s grinding into Seungyoun and driving him crazy once more. Seungwoo’s orgasm hits as Seungyoun clenches around him.

Seungyoun collapses against Seungwoo, gasping “Oh my god.” Seungwoo laughs, “Happy birthday, Youn.”

“Best fucking birthday ever.”

“Sleep now.”

//

Seungwoo is in dire need of a smoke. He is an uncapped wire despite the absolute stillness in his bedroom. He needs to take the edge of panic clouding his mind.

They have crossed a line, they definitely crossed a line.

Seungyoun’s limbs are splayed all over Seungwoo’s body and he can’t move. From the half covered windows, Seungwoo surmises that it must be daybreak for the shine of the early morning sun slightly illuminated the space. Seungyoun’s skin is hot and he can’t think through the heat radiating off naked planes of flesh. He idly runs his hands through every surface - back, sides, thigh. The sensation is addicting. Seungwoo wants to stay like this, with Seungyoun in his arms, for all fucking eternity.

The gravity of the realization sits heavy on his chest. It’s hard to breathe.

_I am in love with you, and not just the idea of you._

Seungyoun wakes. He shifts and unconsciously pushes further into the heat of Seungwoo’s body. Seungwoo kisses the top of Seungyoun’s head and the heaviness in his chest is compounded. “Morning, _love._ How are you?”

The idol blearily meets the actor’s gaze. Seungwoo couldn’t stop the the chuckle that escapes him as he comes face to face with Seungyoun’s sleep swollen cheeks. In hindsight, even in this state, he finds Seungyoun so breathtakingly beautiful.

“I’m naked in bed with Han Seungwoo,” Seungyoun deadpans, “Is this real?”

Seungwoo draws the idol further, muffling his amusement in the crook of Seungyoun’s neck.

“Hold me. I deserve my cuddle.”

//

“Seungwoo, hyung?”

Seungwoo hums in response as he pours coffee on clay mugs.

“Is this real or is it still part of the act?”

He puts the mugs on the breakfast counter and sits in front of Seungyoun. He doesn’t know what to answer to that question. Seungyoun shakes his head, “Forget I asked.”

“Youn, what do you want us to be?”

Seungyoun stares at Seungwoo, for the first time his gaze is unreadable. “I don’t know.” Seungwoo lifts the coffee cup to his lips, takes a sip before he calmly puts it back down. The silence is deafening.

“It’s real, everything is.” Seungwoo says after a long second. “But I’m afraid, Youn. I’m afraid of hurting you.”

“Why?”

Seungwoo looks at the half-shattered expression on Seungyoun’s face and it sends a sharp stab of pain into his core. They haven’t even started anything and he’s already hurting him. Seungwoo reaches for the idol and rakes his fingers through Seungyoun’s messy hair. “It’s because I’ve done so many things I hated myself for. I’m not as perfect as what the media has convinced you all to be. I’ve been to hell and back and I’m scared that if you see even just a glimpse of it, it will ruin you.” Seungwoo’s gut twists, “I want to try and make it work but I can’t promise you flower paths. I can’t guarantee that my past will not ruin you.”

“Seungwoo, I - “

“Before you decide on anything, let me just say that I’m willing to wait for you. All you have to know is that whatever I say around you, whatever I do. They’re real. They’ve always been real.”

Seungyoun gives him a smile and Seungwoo’s chest clenches borderline painful. He does not want to address the cause of it. Not now.

“Anyway,” Seungwoo slides the previously ignored box in the corner towards Seungyoun. “I told you I’d get you something from Italy but we detoured to Switzerland on the way back. Here’s your present. Happy birthday baby.” Seungyoun flushes red with the endearment.

Later, Seungwoo sees the gift, a Patek Philippe watch, on Seungyoun’s Instagram feed. The caption says:

** _ thank you, love. _ **

_//_

**NAVER DISCUSSION: _Heist_ director Kim Yongin, confirmed misogynist? **

[+89721, -22132] FUCKING BURN IN HELL!

[+54321, -32323] It’s obvious that this isn’t simply a matter of coincidence, or bad camera angles. Poor girl was obviously beaten to an inch of her life. This isn’t only just misogyny, this is abuse.

[+45212, -32123] if anyone, I swear to god, if any one tries to defend this fucking bottom dweller, do know that a special place in hell is ready for you.

[+34209, -43232] so this is the type of person han seungwoo worked with for so many of his movies, movies that made him famous. Disgusting, disgusting.

[+23223, -43223] you’re all going to deny Seungwoo’s involvement but it doesn’t escape the fact that he and this bottom dweller are _close friends. _Remember what they say, birds of the same feather flock together.

[+17232, -323320] mindless followers of that actor still gonna defend him when it’s so obvious that his choice of friends are all fucked up bottom dwellers. Disgusts me to no end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't write this explicit of a smut scene and i hate the word orgasm with a passion. so please, love me. also stream obsession!
> 
> twitter: @showmyun


	9. Chapter 9

Somewhere after the events that transpired, Seungyoun finds himself oddly awake. His entire body is malleable clay, his mouth feels like cotton. He inwardly laughs to himself, _so that’s what sex feels like, no wonder people are addicted. _

It is probably dawn, Seungyoun moves further towards Seungwoo’s body and lets out an exhale. He throws one long limb over the actor’s chest -- snuggling, _like lovers._ The afterthought whispers at Seungyoun, almost insidious. He stares at Seungwoo’s profile - the man is so pale that even under this lighting, he still stood out like a beacon - and sighs_, will you ever love me? _

God, he’s acting like a fool, a complete fucking fool.

“Why do you stare?”

Seungyoun chuckles, “I did not.”

“Yeah, alright. Let’s just say that the gaze on me belongs to this bedroom’s ghost.” Seungwoo shifts so that he faces Seungyoun. He puts a palm on Seungyoun’s noticeably bare thigh and squeezes. “You’re perfect.”

_Oh fuck, oh fuckity fuck. _

Seungyoun tries to ignore the touch. He thinks about rainbows and pretty things and Hyeongjun’s curly hair but then Seungwoo extends his palms, caresses down the back of Seungyoun’s thigh; his thoughts dissipate into thin air.

“Uh, hyung” Seungyoun begins, slightly out of breath, "if you keep doing that I might actually devour you whole."

Seungwoo laughs, transferring his hand from Seungyoun’s thigh up to Seungyoun’s torso. He presses his face on Seungyoun’s neck, still clearly amused. “You bring me so much joy, do you know that?”

Seungyoun’s chest aches, his heart and the bones around it. He knew he should have stayed away, he should have said _no. _It will not be like this all the time. Putting the group’s best interest before his emotional stability is becoming a terrible idea. He does not even want to entertain the idea of Seungwoo reciprocating whatever fancy thing he thinks he feels. He does not want to go there lest he break his own heart.

But maybe, maybe he should ask.

“Go back to sleep, _love.” _Seungwoo says, “I’ll cook you breakfast later, it’s a promise.”

The question dies on Seungyoun’s lips.

//

_“Cho Seungyoun I was looking for you everywhere? Where have you been?”_

“I’m sorry, Seok. I’m fine I promise.”

_“You really went wild yesternight.”_ Wooseok chuckles through the phone, _“I’m very happy we managed to book that club. If any photo from last night comes out, you’re toast.”_

“I love you Seok, best birthday ever.”

_“You sound really happy. Did anything happen with Seungwoo sunbae?”_

Seungyoun chuckled, “I’ll tell you everything.”

_“On second thought, I don’t think I need to know the details.” _

“But Seok, thank you for last night, really.”

_“You’re welcome Ryoun and of course, happiest birthday my angel.” _

_//_

Seungyoun carefully chews his toast. He stares at Seungwoo’s back, from his wide shoulders down to his tapered waist. He had on a gray shirt that clung closely to his skin, his hair is a mess. Seungyoun thinks he is falling faster than what is necessary.

The scene is…it’s so fucking domestic. He watches as Seungwoo puts a a cup of coffee before him and smiles. The question is out before he could stop himself, “Seungwoo hyung, is this real or is it still part of the act.”

He wants to hit himself, _why did you have to ruin it? _

Maybe it’s the years that Seungwoo has spent in front of cameras because Seungyoun barely notices a shift in the actor’s expression. With steady hands, he puts a mug of coffee on the counter before meeting Seungyoun’s gaze. He looks away, “Forget I asked.”

Seungyoun’s hands are ice cold, he regrets asking so much.

“Youn, what do you want us to be?”

He hates that question it’s like an unspoken reiteration of his and Seungwoo’s situation, that Seungwoo’s only doing this for their reputation, for their act and not because of anything else. It hurts to think about it.

_Happy birthday, you stupid fool. _

“I don’t know.” Seungyoun ends up murmuring.

Seungwoo does not answer, he stares at his coffee like it holds the biggest secret of the universe. “It’s real, Youn, everything is. But I’m afraid, I’m afraid of hurting you.”

When his sleeplessness kicks in, Seungyoun often thought of Seungwoo’s past. The actor has an impressive dating record that Seungyoun barely cares about. He wonders what’s making Seungwoo so _afraid._ The actor has everything and quite possibly everyone, all he needs to do is take his pick and yet, he still has all his walls up, impenetrable.

Seungyoun waits for the day when Seungwoo can finally meet him in the middle with all their secrets out in the open.

_But can you handle the depth of his past without falling apart? After all, the ugly truth is always hardest to bear when it involves someone you love. _

Seungwoo smiles, a little hurt, a lot ambiguous. “It’s because I’ve done so many things I hated myself for. I’m not as perfect as what the media has convinced you all to be. I’ve been to hell and back and I’m scared that if you see even just a glimpse of it, it will ruin you. I want to try and make it work but I can’t promise you flower paths.”

And those words, as vague as they may seem, are enough for Seungyoun to hold on to.

_You can, because you love him. _

_//_

Birthdays don’t really matter to Seungyoun. After his twelfth year, birthdays are disregarded as some ordinary day. It’s like this for a lot of them, training for the stage demands sacrifices. He really just couldn’t afford to breathe, even for just a day and he’s used to this sort of inanity.

Until now.

“Honestly,” Seungyoun begins, “Where do you plan on taking me?”

Seungwoo has one hand on the steering wheel, the other is entwined with Seungyoun’s. “It’s a surprise until then. What do you say to celebrating twenty-three years worth of birthdays.”

“That’s a lot.” Seungyoun muses out loud. “Honestly hyung, you don’t have to do this. I know you’re tired.”

Seungwoo brings the back of Seungyoun’s palm to his lips, planting a soft kiss “Yes I am, but I’m not that tired to celebrate your birthday, _love._”

Seungyoun just wants to scream. “If you don’t quit that, I’ll make you pull over and I will sit on you.”

Laughing, Seungwoo replies, “Maybe next time, love.”

//

Seungyoun’s eyes are wide in wonder. He resembles a child seeing his first cherry blossoms during the spring as he gazes at the ocean lit by the final remnants of the day. The place is beautiful and the view is nothing short but magnificent, though what makes Seungyoun’s heart flip over itself was the conversation playing in his mind.

_“If you wanted to go somewhere in the world right now, where would it be?”_

_Seungyoun had buried his face against the column of Seungwoo’s pale neck, lips curling in post coital bliss. “The beach.” His lips had carved the words, clear and precise. Seungwoo had hummed and Seungyoun could feel the actor’s fingers linger idly against the plane of his back. “I’ve never been to the beach in ages.” Seungwoo had kissed the top of his head, no words had left his lips. Seungyoun had fallen asleep. _

“The beach,” Seungwoo says, throwing an arm around Seungyoun’s waist. “right?”

The idol turns to Seungwoo, grinning, “I honestly thought that was a dream.”

The actor laughs, “It wasn’t. You kept on mumbling about how you wanted your bare feet to touch sand. You told me you wanted to see the sun touch the edge of the horizon.”

“Did I?”

Seungwoo kisses Seungyoun’s forehead, when he pulls back there’s a satisfied grin on his face. “Let’s have dinner. The food’s getting cold.”

Dinner is a luxurious affair, though simple. Somewhat. There is a table set on the beach, covered in dark blue cloth. Laid on it are two covered dishes, flanking a lit candelabra,some ornamental flowers and a bottle of champagne set on a bed of ice. Seungyoun wants to laugh, the scenario reminds him of something straight out of a romantic movie. He grins.

“How did you do all this?”

“Oh, I have my ways.” Seungwoo pulls out a chair, “I’ll teach you if you want.”

Seungyoun laughs as he sits, “Where’s the thrill in that?”

Food is fantastic, a five course dinner prepared by one of Seungwoo’s friends, some sort of Michelin chef. Seungyoun decides not to dwell too much on the actor’s powerful friends lest he triggers his own insecurity. After dessert, they get drunk,as the proper order of things should go. Seungyoun learns that he is a lightweight, a glass of good champagne colors his face red, and makes his view of the world tip. He stands up -- chocolate covered strawberry in his left hand, a flute of champagne in his right -- and giggles obsequiously at Seungwoo’s adoring face. The actor is completely sober because he is not like Seungyoun who gets sloshed after three glasses of light alcohol. 

“Do you,” Seungyoun slurs as he pops the entire strawberry in his mouth, “remember anything else from what I said last night?”

Seungwoo nods, his dark hair fans gently against the plane of his forehead. Seungyoun thinks he could swoon. He can probably write sonnets about Seungwoo’s face if he so wished. “You wanted to dance?”

Seungyoun’s grin is from ear to ear. “Yes. Humor me, now.”

“Your wish is my command, your highness.” as soon as the words leave Seungwoo’s lips, the idol pulls him up. Seungyoun laughs. “It’s like those movies. Dinner, sunset, sand on our feet, dancing to music only we can hear. Fuck, I could cringe but it’s everything I could have ever wanted today. Thank you.”

Seungwoo nods as he draws Seungyoun closer, pale arms around a tapered waist. “You’re welcome. I’ll give you everything you want, just say it.”

_I want you, all of you._Seungyoun does not say it. He leans in and slants his lips against Seungwoo’s. The crash of waves against sand fades into the background.

He wants to stay like this forever. Seungyoun’s life is never this peaceful. His commitment to the stage extracts a great price and there are times where Seungyoun barely meets its demands without falling into pieces. But here, with sand in his toes, and the sea in Seungwoo’s hair, Seungyoun can finally _breathe._

He wants it to stretch into eternity.

But he should have known that his life is deceptive and things could never be this easy. 

//

“You’re not stable enough, aren’t you?” Seungwoo leans across the shift stick to release Seungyoun from the constraints of his seat belt. “It was champagne, Youn. You shouldn’t really lose yourself to alcohol. you’re the lightest of all the lightweights I know.”

Seungyoun playfully scoffs, “Rude.”

The lights of X1’s shared apartment shine from the building’s fifteenth floor. Seungyoun’s watch tells him it is nine in the evening. He mourns the fact that it is too early to end this perfect night. “I don’t want to leave.” He mumbles, “I don’t want to be an idol right now.” Seungwoo does not bother ask the other to elucidate because he knows. He feels the same, anyway.

But they were _public figures_ and their lives outside of their chosen field of work is nearly as important as their lives in it. Seungwoo takes Seungyoun’s hand into his and casually entwines their fingers together. They remain quiet, basking in each others’ presence.

There is a prickle at the back of Seungyoun’s neck, niggling. It feels like an omen.

Or maybe it is the champagne on his nerve endings.

“Do you want me to come up with you?” Seungwoo asks, breaking the fragile air of peace inside the vehicle. “You’ve been out all day. Your manager will gut me.”

“It’s my twenty-third birthday, it’s the only reprieve I get all year round. Let him whine.”

“They’d say you’ve a bad work ethic.”

Seungyoun chuckles, “Screw work ethic.”

Seungwoo shakes his head. Amusement was clear on his face , Seungyoun’s resolve to return to the dorm slowly crumbles. He really does not want to leave anymore. Why can’t things be easier?

He goes through these notions in his head, like a broken record that just won’t stop.

“What’s in that pretty little head of yours?”

Seungyoun smiles, “Spoken like a true romantic.”

“I’m serious. You’re transparent. I can see and hear you think without even saying anything.”

“You know me too much.”

“Isn’t that the point?”

Seungyoun stares at the actor, and with the tiniest voice he says, “But I don’t think I know you.” An ambivalent expression passes through Seungwoo’s face and in a fraction of a second, it’s gone. Seungyoun realizes he does that a lot. Reality crashes, the rose tinted glass he’s had on abruptly shatters. He’ll never be enough.

Seungwoo caresses the side of his face. His smile is ambivalent, but fond. “Then we’ll take our time. We’ll take all the time in the world until I can show you everything. We can do that, right?”

Catharsis. Seungyoun inhales. “Yeah. We can.”

//

The dorm is unusually devoid of the kids’ ceaseless, boisterous noises when Seungyoun steps into the dorm. Seungyoun sees all of them crowded in front of the television in the sitting room. The evening news is on. “So I presume I wasn’t missed?” eight pairs of eyes turn to him, worry evident in each one. Seungyoun’s senses go haywire. “What happened?”

Wooseok stands up. “Seungyoun, are you okay?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Switch it off.” Wooseok says, voice even, Hyeongjun quickly scrambles for the remote.

“You didn’t hear?”

“Didn’t hear what?”

Wooseok’s expression is unreadable. He extends a pale forearm and transfers a phone to Seungyoun’s palms. “I think you should read it and then talk to Seungwoo sunbae.” There’s an article pulled up.

“The Life and Times of Han Seungwoo: The Actor of the Decade.” The F is noticeably crossed out that the word read_Lie_ instead of _Life. _

Bewildered, Seungyoun begins, “Wooseok what is this?”

“Just read it.”

The article is long and as Seungyoun’s fingers slowly inch through the screen, dread slowly fills him, like cement settling heavily at the pit of his stomach. All his life, he has never been acclimated to such pure dread. Belatedly, he realizes he is afraid.

“This can’t be real, right? This can’t be real.” He could hear the tremble in his voice. They were fine just earlier, they were fine. Seungwoo had looked at him and Seungyoun felt like he could move mountains. Why did it have to shatter so quickly?

This can’t be happening. This seriously cannot be happening. He wants to collapse, his knees are weak, so, so weak.

Seungyoun allows himself to be fragile for once. He allows himself to be vulnerable in front of his members, in front of the kids that expect the only opposite. Wooseok draws Seungyoun to his arms.

Seungyoun sobs.

//

Seungyoun has the hardest time finding the right words for what he feels like.

Anger?

Pain?

Betrayal?

No, it was none of those. He thinks about this as he mechanically moves his body to their debut song. The choreography is embedded into his very bones, he need not think and at that moment, it is taking him everything to even just _think._ He copes best in movement. Dancing is the one thing he was certain would not fail him. He can wear his muscles down until his body automatically shuts off from pure exhaustion.

The music abruptly cuts off. Losing the beat, Seungyoun misses his footing and he comes crashing to the floor. He feels no impact. His current state of mind has all of his conscious numbed. He stares at the ceiling and he remembers an entire life lived within the confines of a practice room. Years upon years of ceaseless sacrifices and yet at that moment, he finds no spirit to continue.

_“The industry will break you.” _

Seungyoun knew even before the moment he signed his name on the dotted line. He was prepared to just give and give. And then came Seungwoo. The NDA said something along the lines of, _for a particular given time and for the reason of publicity there will be a staged act. Those whose names appear in this document are hereby bound to its rules._ Seungyoun remembers that long list and he took it to heart. Yet in the end, he manages to break the most important of it all, _don’t fucking fall in love._ Oh, he fucked up and now his work, their group - his everything - are on the line.

How does one even choose between Scylla and Charybdis? Seungyoun wants to laugh.

“Ryoun?”

Seungyoun glances and he sees Wooseok standing on entryway, the door is ajar. He looks at his best friend and forces a smile. “Hey.”

“You’ve been here for hours. Take a break.”

“I’m fine.”

Wooseok sighs. He approaches Seungyoun with hesitant steps and sits on the floor. When Seungyoun sits up, he is suddenly hyper aware of the ache in his legs. How long has it been?

“Nine hours.” Wooseok begins, “You’ve been here nine hours.”

“Oh.”

Quiet befalls upon them and Seungyoun just knows what sort of thoughts run through Wooseok’s mind. Now, their career is at a standstill. After _that_ article came out, management’s first bout of damage control was to pull out the group from any sort of broadcast until the public’s rage evens out. Seungyoun is highly doubtful of that. If the worst goes to hell, it will be Seungyoun’s contract that will be revoked. He will have to walk out to save the rest of them.

As far as the execs are concerned, Seungyoun’s life is so thoroughly tangled with Seungwoo’s that they can’t be separated. Whatever opinions mass media consumers have for Seungwoo right now, are the same opinions they will bestow upon Seungyoun. It’s how the industry works.

And right now, to say that those opinions are not good, is merely scratching the surface.

“You should talk to him.” Wooseok says. He reminds Seungyoun of a wilted rose, beautiful but somber. “Maybe there’s a side to this that he only knows.” Seungyoun lets out a halfhearted chuckle, “He doesn’t wanna talk. I’m not anything to him anyway, what’s the point?” 

“The point is, you have to get the fucking truth straight from him. If he’s as fucked up as the news claims then you deserve to get out of his mess unscathed. You shouldn’t get involved in this.”

“But I am _involved,_ Seok.” _I love him, how more involved can I get? _“Do I admit that there was nothing between us but management decisions and a Non Disclosure agreement? They will take me out of the group even before I can air my side of the story. And frankly, I don’t even care about any of that right now. I feel like I’m being shredded to my last atom.”

Wooseok turns to Seungyoun, eyes glassy. “I’m sorry. This is my fault.”

Seungyoun swipes his thumb underneath Wooseok’s eyes. “Don’t go there. Whatever the fuck’s happening, it’s not your fault. It’s not my fault. We shouldn’t blame ourselves.”

“But what if they do it?”

That thought is now an incoming possibility. Seungyoun can feel the ache in his chest. “My life’s always been a train wreck, Seok. This is just another accident waiting to happen. I’ll get used to it. I’ll find a way to begin again.” Seungyoun’s reality dawns on him with cold sobriety.

He could lose everything.

> ** _The Life and Times of Han Seungwoo: The Actor of the Decade_ **
> 
> Oh you know him, the name itself is associated with_thousands_ of products. The face is plastered in every corner of the country, children probably know his name even before their own. Seungwoo Han. Flawless in visage, top notch in the industry. The most sought after actor in nearly a decade. We all love him.
> 
> The question is, do we really know him? Besides the superficial aspects that have been broadcast ceaselessly through every screen across this nation, do we actually know his beginnings? Consumers, we are amazing people, but we rarely question whatever is shown. We doubt even lesser of the legitimacy of certain aspects of our favorite montages of beauty and talent.
> 
> Here’s the thing, we don’t know Seungwoo Han except his impressive filmography, a longer list of product endorsements and a less than shameless track record of relationships, or lack thereof.
> 
> Lo and behold, behind that beautiful face is the ugly truth.
> 
> We sat down with Director Kang Sangwoo, you may have known him from his heydays. And he’s spilled a lot about our favorite actor and not all of it are pretty.
> 
> Fasten your seat belts, for it is about to get absolutely messy.
> 
> Seungwoo Han started in the industry at the tender age of 19. Dropped out from the nation’s most premier art school to pursue acting. It was not an easy beginning for our favorite pretty actor. Faced with rejections left and right, he had inadvertently proven that a beautiful face will never be enough. For a few years years, he stuck to theater and random campaigns for no name brands. We all have forgotten them, probably even the most avid of Seungwoo’s fans have not seen a glimpse of those images.
> 
> Why, you ask? Why was his earlier years so elusive?
> 
> At twenty-two, Seungwoo Han was halfway to giving up before he had fallen into a rabbit hole straight to his own would be downfall. [continued]

** **

**NAVER DISCUSSION **

**[+124897, -89567]** I am honestly rendered speechless. I have no words. Do I have the right to feel this way? I am in no way personally attached to him, I have never known him outside his TV shows and movies but it just feels right to be so disappointed. i feel like I have been lied to all these years.

**[+90899, -78563]**is no one going to question how much of these are true? It seems far fetched. Who even is this Sangwoo person? Will everyone just gobble this bullshit without actually getting to the bottom of it? These accusations seem just too much and I don’t trust any of these media fuckers. I have seen enough and we all know what they’re capable of.

**[+86372, -67321]** this is a big prank right? It should be. Or maybe it’s a publicity stunt. I can’t accept this. I refuse to believe until there is an official statement. I hope the company sues you all. If this ruins Seungwoo’s hard earned career, you people will never see the end of it. It will be hell for everyone involved.

**[+76890, -45213]**the company sure is taking their sweet time trying to explain this. As a non fan, this is pretty believable. The images are harder to disprove once all of this unfolds. It will be fucking insane and I honestly can’t wait for it to happen.

**[+60904, -89821]** damn, seungwoo sure had it all. Drama, women, career and drugs. How incredibly gifted. Business must be booming, yes? This entire industry is crazy anyway.

**NAVER: “X1’s repackage album delayed.”**

**[+45223, -432**] ****the company busy scrambling to fix Seungwoo’s mess. Lmfao. Now everyone’s affected. Poor kids.

****[+32321, -452] **** WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THIS?

**[+20221, -34521]** DON’T LET SEUNGYOUN DATE. ESPECIALLY NOT SEUNGWOO. CREEPY FUCKER SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED NEAR OUR LEADER. PROTECT THEM!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello yes i am alive. 
> 
> i am so incredibly sorry for disappearing for MONTHS. and i am sorry that this chapter is shitty. TT i don't even know at this point. please don't hate me. 
> 
> twitter @showmyun


	10. Chapter 10

The call came immediately after he closed the door.

See, Seungwoo had this usually near flawless _intuition _as some sort of byproduct from countless of traumatic experiences. He could say that his senses process information just a bit differently than his brain does, it sounds relatively illogical but that was the only way he can explain the _feeling _that comes just seconds before something catastrophic happens.

He has had the phone shut off the entire day wanting to give his attention entirely to Seungyoun. While he was obliviously disconnected, his entire world was being uprooted. Yohan sent him _text messages. _First time in weeks; he hated typing.

_Where the fuck are you?_

_Seungwoo answer your bloody fucking phone right this fucking instant. _

_Seungwoo I’m not kidding. I am so fucking worried. Answer your fucking phone. _

_Seungwoo, fuck. Where are you? _

_Seungwoo please call me. Please. _

Ironically, the article that craftily paved the road to his demise excised a startled laugh out of Seungwoo. He had quickly read through it and laughed until his stomach ached and he felt like he would just fall apart and cease to exist. He has long convinced himself that his sins will catch up to him, he was ready for it. Maybe, in the future, he would meet some unfortunate accident that would lead entirely to his demise and yet he would accept it. It was just.

The universe is never fair, for it fucks you when you’re happiest. It steals peace after a lifetime of chaos, it takes in times where you’re unable to give.

Why does it have to be right now when he finally knows what it means to be truly happy? Sometimes, Seungwoo thought about the uncanny way his life works. He moves about, surviving day to day with a mask that he never removes until he has completely managed to fool even himself. Frankly speaking, Seungwoo has stashed that part of his dark past to the deepest recesses of his mind. Selective memory loss, his therapist once told him, induced by post traumatic stress. Everything was coming on to him now, crashing relentlessly as his mind wages a war against itself.

Seungwoo Han is a man drowning and he does not want anyone to save him. He does not want anyone to look into his eyes and see that he is nothing but a beautiful montage of lies, rotten through and through.

He crashes to the sofa, puts an arm over his eyes and inhales. Calm, collected, composed. His eyes do not sting for there are no tears to shed. Burning in his own turmoil as everything he has ever cherished comes undone, there are no coherent thoughts in Seungwoo’s mind. Though in that chaos, like a clear bright spot in an abysmal darkness, there is Seungyoun.

_The peace in my chaos. I am sorry I cannot protect you from who I am. I am sorry that I love you. _

Seungwoo, for the first time in a really long while, falls into a dreamless sleep.

//

“Those aren’t even true and you fucking know it!”  
  
Yohan is a volcano, an unstoppable force of nature that rages after Seungwoo has grown tired of reliving his past. He does not care. Fabrications or facts, what was the point when everything was out in the open anyway? What was the point when Seungyoun will probably look at the news this morning and regret every little thing he has done with Seungwoo in mind. None of it matters. Seungwoo remains to be a monster.

Seungwoo feels like he is floating in a make believe limbo. Inside the safety of his home, he could pretend that his life is not an eroding sand castle.

Yohan aggressively inhales his second cigarette into completion and angrily tosses the filter onto Seungwoo’s half filled ashtray. He stomps in front of Seungwoo and there is so much anger lighting the photographer’s eyes that it forces Seungwoo to look up and meet his gaze. This man right here, has been with Seungwoo from the very beginning. They have seen each other in situations that could have been worse than the fifth circle of hell, they have helped each other metaphorically wade through grime and filth.

The world has turned its back on Seungwoo but never Yohan. Everything will raze and fade but never Yohan Kim. They are half of each others’ souls and this, whatever the fuck _this _is, is about to become their greatest obstacle yet and Seungwoo is tired. He is tired of fighting a war that he can never win.

Yohan bores his gaze on Seungwoo, palms heavy on top of Seungwoo’s shoulders. “We, _you, _will exit this bloody fucking building and explain your side of the story. You will tell them the truth and if nobody fucking listens we will fight back. Fire with fucking fire, Seungwoo, fire with fucking fire.”

Seungwoo closes his eyes; his lids burn. “I’m tired. You know that this is an inevitability. I fucked up, Yohan. I fucked up real bad. You know it. You’ve been there. You’ve seen what I did. You know what I’m capable of doing.”

“And this is the reason why I want you to put your foot down and hold your ground. Did you even read it? Jesus Seungwoo, half of the things you’re accused of aren’t true.We’re both fucked up but we’ve never done sold drugs, we’ve fucked but never with people who were unwilling. And you tell me the truth about the director. Did you know he assaulted those women? I know you Seungwoo, you would have done something if you knew. You won’t get over your past if you keep on running every time you’re forced to face it.”

Seungwoo inhales, the burn in his throat is from the tears he has held at bay since last night. “I would have fucking killed him.”

“I know.” Yohan seethes, “Because you were once a victim and you were never the type to just stand there and let it happen.”

Seungwoo pulls Yohan in and sobs onto the man’s shoulder. “But why didn’t I notice. I was there Han, _fuck, _I was there. I should have seen it. I should have known it was happening. But I didn’t. I was too preoccupied by some other bullshit that shouldn’t have fucking mattered. I could have done something_, anything.” _

He could hear his sobs ring clear in his ears. His throat feels raw. “I could have done any_fucking_thing but I didn’t. It’s all my fucking fault.”

Yohan pulls back and slaps Seungwoo across the face. The sting successfully clears the cloudiness in Seungwoo’s thoughts. 

“Shut the fuck up.” Yohan enunciates. “Listen to me very well, Seungwoo Han. The article was a big lie and the fact that your director is a fucking bottom dweller was never and will never be your fault. His vileness is his and his alone. His crimes are his and his alone. It is unfortunate that _no one _noticed before this shit show came to be. But get this, you can now do something about it. So you get yourself together, call the company, then talk to Seungyoun because his entire group is put in such a tight spot for something that you did not do. You understand me?”

Like cold water poured onto his head, Seungwoo wakes up. The mention of Seungyoun’s name has him reeling.

“Seungyoun.” He whispers, “_Fuck, _Seungyoun.”

“You’re a class A mess.” Yohan smiles, “But I guess, you’re my mess. Now quit being a bitch and leave this house, we’ve got a lawsuit to file.”

// 

“I don’t understand,” Seungwoo’s agitation is clear in the high lilt of his usually flat tone. “Seunyoun has got nothing to do with this, we haven’t confirmed anything and it’s not his fault that he’s become automatically associated to my name just because we’re in some sort of pretend relationship. This is injustice in broad daylight and you know that.”

The room is intimately familiar for Seungwoo Han. He has been here before, countless of times throughout the years. It has become sort of a spectacle to him, to elicit every sort of reaction, every level of ire from Kiseok Lee, Chief Executive Officer for SMX’s media and broadcasting division. The man has always been partial to him. He does lose his cool most of the time but it has come to a point where it is all a game for Seungwoo, a game to see the end of a judge, jury and executioner’s thread. This time, the tables have turned. Seungwoo Han, once glorious and infallible, is now used goods. His dignity died the moment the article gained its first down vote and he watched his darling reputation get buried six feet under thousands of hate comments spewed by angry netizens clamoring behind the safety of their relative anonymity.

Seungwoo is used to it, he is an actor for fuck’s sake. He is a _public _persona and the situation is merely another bullet added to his already long list of achievements. But this time, there is a nuanced facet to all these insanity in his life. A nuance he would never exchange for anything. He would allow his career to careen into a beautiful death as long as Seungyoun would never have to bear the brunt of his mistake. Non Disclosure Agreement be damned and their lawyers can all go to hell, for Seungwoo will never see reason, not when it is Seungyoun on the line.

Kiseok’s expression shifts, laugh lines and crow’s feet made apparent by his fashionable salt and pepper hair. Seungwoo has never seen him this stressed since the day his and Jinhyuk’s relationship spiraled out of control. “Sit down.” The CEO enunciates and leans forward. Seungwoo belatedly notices that Kiseok’s usual black suit is bereft of its patterned tie.

“You don’t believe me do you?”

“Frankly,” Kiseok begins. He hesitates and Seungwoo can tell that he will not like a word that will leave the CEO’s lips. “I don’t know what the fuck to believe. I know you celebrities has got some sort of morbid history. We do what we need to do to get from point A to point B. I don’t blame you Seungwoo. And I don’t care. But here’s the thing, it’s out. And more than half of your audience wants to stake you and skin you alive. Now what do I do with this? What will we do to fix this fucking mess? We don’t Seungwoo. It’s a monster, it’s out of our control and we can’t do anything else but mitigate the consequences.” He sighs and makes a few odd gestures of frustration. “Consequences, consequences, consequences. Here’s where Seungyoun comes into play, where his career comes into play. You have got to drill it into your head that you and Seungyoun are a bloody fucking package now. You’re connected, we wanted it that way since the beginning, or have you forgotten? And now Seungyoun’s impact virtually becomes nonexistent with you _still _in the picture because the people _hates _every fucking thing about you right now. You’re rotten, and by association, so is Seungyoun. If you don’t step back Seungyoun will suffer. He will suffer more. So don’t you dare come barging here and questioning my decisions.”

“Then let me take the blame for it. Wholly, completely. It’s just my side of the story all out for everyone to see.”

Kiseok inhales and slowly reclines. “I highly suggest you don’t do anything at all right now. I don’t recommend you to talk whether it’s to confirm or to deny the accusations. Seungwoo you have been the game changer for nearly twelve years now, you should know how this works.”

“So are you insinuating that we casually feed Seungyoun to the wolves? We stay quiet and let the public get onto the next thing they associate with me.”

“They’re mercurial.” Kiseok dismisses, “We pull him out of the group in the next round of promotions, hide him for a while and re-debut him as a solo singer. He could opt for a contract termination. It’s all up to him. It’s all up in the air.”

Seungwoo feels like the room would tip over as he processes over such casual words. But in reality, he would have never batted his eyelashes if Seungyoun’s only a mere stranger. This is the entertainment industry and everyone is a casualty of their dreams, one way or another. There is always going to be a big scandal, another group, a younger actor, a better artist -- no one is promised tomorrow.

“Seungyoun’s career won’t survive a scandal of this magnitude. He’s barely even begun.”

“He’s collateral damage Seungwoo. We can lose him; we can’t lose you.”

Ironically, the words he had heard cut deeper even than the contents of the same article that had so casually ruined his life. To be so intimately aware of how he had uprooted Seungyoun’s career even before it could fully blossom to its fullest potential is a dagger straight into Seungwoo’s heart. But in that moment, he knew what needs to be done and he will be damned if he cannot see through it to the end.

“Alright.” Seungwoo stands up as he speaks. “I won’t do anything.”

“Good.” The CEO sighs, “Good. Let us handle this fucking mess. Try and not put yourself under the spot for a while.”

He does not say anything as he leaves the office.

//

“It’s ironic.”  
  
”What is?”

Seungwoo’s eyes the utterly familiar surroundings, he manages a smile. Jinhyuk always preferred to live in an organized chaos. His apartment is virtually the same in Seungwoo’s memories - earthy tones, unwashed mugs of coffee, overflowing ashtrays, scratched lyrics over lined paper - and it brings a sort of comfort he never would have expected from the same man who had nearly pulverized his heart.

“That I’m trying to gain some semblance of normalcy in the same place where I nearly died from heartbreak.” Seungwoo casually answers. He tops off his stale coffee and replaces the chipped mug onto the trashed table.

Jinhyuk sits before him and rolls his eyes. “Don’t be fucking dramatic, it’s unbecoming of you.”

“You still know how to speak and make it hurt. I’ve missed it.”

“I read it.” Jinhyuk says without warning. “That’s why you’re back in my flat and sitting on that chair.”

“The entire country’s read it, darling. Do you need me to elaborate?”

Jinhyuk rakes his hair back. His eyes narrow in frustration. “Christ, will you fucking drop this nonchalant persona for one goddamned second?!”

“Why?” Seungwoo sighs, “So that I’d grovel on your feet? You know that’s not gonna happen.”

“Because I care.” Jinhyuk says, tone suddenly tired. “I care about you.”

“Why do you care now? We’re finished, done. You told me so yourself. What’s changed?”

Jinhyuk chuckles bitterly. “We’re finished because I had to stop being such a fucking idiot. You never loved me, what’s the use of pretending when all it did was slowly fuck me up. I couldn’t even get anything done, not even my songs, for months. I was too preoccupied asking myself why I stayed that long for someone who’s never gonna see me the way I see him. But I loved you, Seungwoo. I loved you. But I had to save my fucking dignity so I left. Easier for the both of us, ain’t it?”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault that you didn’t love me. At least I tried.”

_I’m sorry for using you as a slap on band aid for a cut that bled from within. _

“We were happy though. We had good times and believe it or not, I loved you Jinhyuk. I did.”

“We were happy because you never forced your walls down. Sometimes I felt like you acted it all out. I never got to know what made you tick. You were never vulnerable, not even once.”

Seungwoo shakes his head, “I didn’t want to complicate things, you’ve become someone that I wanted to protect. Someone I didn’t wanna taint. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“And in that process I never had the chance to get to know you. I only got to know a character.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re forgiven. But right now, _please, _don’t lock yourself in. You don’t have to confirm that it’s all bullshit because I know it is. You can’t keep running away from what you feel because it’ll do nothing but hurt you more and everyone who cares about you. For once in your life, let someone help.”

Seungwoo is incredibly unacquainted with vulnerability. He has always been a guarded person due to his own deeply set selfishness. He keeps everything to himself, and he has never allowed anyone to step inside his iron walls. He thought himself strong but maybe he has always been a coward. He realizes that it takes spirit to admit helplessness. It takes strength to cry for help.

“I don’t know what to do.” Seungwoo breathes. The room turns ice cold and still. Jinhyuk does not dare utter a single word. “I don’t know what to do except for one thing and that’s to admit the truth. It’s the only way to save Seungyoun.”

“What truth?”

Seungwoo talks.

It was comparable to some sort of out of body experience - he was astral projecting into a safer realm where his demons do not constantly haunt him. _I sold my body in exchange for a career. _He began, and the memories came back to him all at once, playing in slow motion in the vividest detail. _I didn’t know what I’d do. I was young and desperate. I was prone to fucked up decisions. I can blame it on my age but I knew I could have thought of something better. I could have quit, I could have tried harder without exchanging my peace of mind. But it doesn’t matter. I fucked up, Jinhyuk. I fucked up and I’m not proud of it. _

The silence that follows is sobering. Seungwoo has yet to process the fact that he has divulged the single, most important part of his personal history to someone he once wanted to protect from it.

Jinhyuk’s reaction used to occupy his mind. Lying in bed together, naked limbs strewn across naked limbs, cigarette smoke and sex permeating the air. _Hey, I once allowed myself to get fucked over and over again because I was desperate to be famous. _His head tossed around these thoughts until Jinhyuk would notice his distress. _You alright? _Seungwoo would always allow him to chase the demons away. He would succumb to a fragile state of rest, the producer’s fingers dragging across the planes of his flesh.

Seungwoo was so selfish. They have been together four years and he never once talked.

Jinhyuk is predictably distant. Disgust, shock, whatever it is, Seungwoo does not want to dwell on it further.

“Fuck.” Is the first word that exits the producer’s lips. He stands up and starts pacing the room. “Fucking hell. Seungwoo, I’m so sorry. I should have known. Why didn’t it ever occur to me to just ask. I’m so sorry, oh god.”

Oh, that was unexpected.

Seungwoo watches a spectrum of emotions play upon Jinhyuk’s face. He really has not changed and Seungwoo realizes he awfully gravitates towards people who wore their hearts on their sleeves. Jinhyuk is as transparent as Seungyoun.

“Don’t.” Seungwoo cuts the other off, “I don’t wanna hear any apology. It’s not your fault, do you understand me? I truly appreciate the sentiment but please don’t blame yourself for my indecision.”

“You’ve always had the gentlest way of putting people down.” Jinhyuk chortles, “Why did it take me ages to realize that you never loved me the way I loved you. Even now that we’re barely even friends, you’re still trying too hard to protect me. Seungwoo don’t you get it? I don’t care about your past. I just want what’s best for you. I want to help in anyway I can, will you let me do that? Will you grant me this, just one time. It’s the least I can do for you.”

Maybe he needed to hear those words, whatever it all meant, Seungwoo really does not care he just needed the assurance, the grounding, no matter how empty the words may be in reality. He needed to hear them.

When he exhales; his eyes sting. Tears are for the good days of yesteryear, when his life was shaken every now and then with petty dating scandals. Those times were incomparably better than this hell. Seungwoo should not even allow himself the comfort of tears. “Thank you.” His voice is toneless and apathetic. “Thank you, I appreciate it.”

“I mean it.” Jinhyuk replies. “I’m not here to fix you, I just want to support you while you sort this out. I know you will, I believe you.”

“I’ve fucked up so many times. Why do you still have so much faith in me? I don’t deserve it, Jin. I really don’t.”

Jinhyuk looks at him with a vague expression, a smile that seems happy and sad at the same time. “I’m still learning how to forget us,” He laughs, a little bit ashamed and a lot broken “and that’s a roundabout way of saying that I still love you though I’m not asking you to love me back. It’s just my guilt eating me from the inside Seungwoo because somehow I’ve always known that you needed me but I wasn’t there when you needed me the _most__. A_nd for everything that I lacked, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry Seungwoo.”

“It doesn’t matter.” Seungwoo replies, “I was waiting for it to happen. I fell short too, it wasn’t just you.”

“I guess I shouldn’t be telling you this but might as well let it out now.”

“What?”

“You and Yohan.”

_“Oh.”_

“You don’t need to explain. I guess it’s part of the things I’ve always known but refused to confront head on.”

“Did it drive a point?” _Why is he even asking?_ “It’s a valid reason to end any sort of romantic relationship.”

“I was just happy he was there after shit went down. I trusted he’d help you stem whatever negative emotions that lingered after I ended it. Then you met Seungyoun and from what I’ve seen I could at least say that you’re happy. Are you?”

The thought of Seungyoun brings Seungwoo pain. “I was. I think I’ve never been happier in my entire life and look at what I’ve done. He’s the only person I’ve been so desperate to protect from my past and I couldn’t even do that. I couldn’t protect him from me. It would’ve been better if I’ve never known him at all.” 

“He’s not a child Seungwoo. He’s capable of sound decisions and if he wanted to be with you it’s because he wanted to. You should learn to trust that he’d listen to whatever you need to tell him. I’ve seen the kid and I know that he genuinely cares about you. You should come clean. Stop running away from what you fear the most and stop trying to save everyone but yourself.”

Seungwoo wonders if there will a come a day where he is finally ready to bring his walls down and be at peace with his own demons. Maybe Jinhyuk is right, Seungyoun deserves the truth. His resolve hardens and he does not hinge on whatever sort of outcome would stem from it.

It is time to stop his cowardice.

//

Right fist connects to right cheek. “You motherfucker.” The man crumples to the ground, he slips and bashes the back of his head against the tiled floor. Seungwoo seethes, scrambles to the ground and continues to punch. He does not fancy himself a violent person but right now, he cannot seem to find a feasible channel for his rage other than this director’s face.

“Jesus,” Seungsik shouts as Seungwoo continues to pummel the man’s face. “Seungwoo stop. What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!”

“Ask him!” Seungwoo says, voice abnormally flat. He still holds the man by his collar. “Ask this fucker what he’s been doing. Ask him!” The director groans in pain, face bloody. The room is silent. Seungwoo belatedly notices that, in fact, they are not completely alone. Three shocked looking attendants stand rooted to their spot. The bloodied man moans, “You’re a bastard. I’ll end your fucking career.”

“You can’t threaten me with what’s already gone.” Seungwoo says. “I’ll make sure you’ll rot in jail, mark my words.” Seungwoo shoves him and as soon as he stands up, one of the attendants approaches and promptly stomps her shoe onto the director’s thigh. The man screams. Seungwoo is mildly surprised.

“You deserve death.” She says. “Or a few life sentences.”

“Can somebody tell me what in the world is happening?” Seungsik bellows, “And somebody better call an ambulance before he bleeds to death.”

“The article.” Seungwoo replies, “Have you read it?”

“It’s him?” Seungsik questions, “I’m assuming because you don’t normally go out of your way to beat someone to an inch of their life.”

“He’s been on to most, if not all, of us.” The lady, Serim, says. Her ID card says she’s a makeup artist. “We can’t do anything about it because he’d threaten us and we’d never get any sort of job in the industry.”

Seungsik’s eyes narrow. He crouches in front of the man and in his most menacing tone, questions. “Is that true?”

“How dare you accu-!”

_Slap. _“Is that true. It’s a yes or no question.”

“I will end you too, Seungsik Kang. I will end you too.”

Another slap. “You don’t have to. If you’re the monster that they claim to be, this film will be your last. Our words versus yours, I don’t think you have any idea of what sort of difficult spot you’re in right now. You better shut the fuck up or this will get even more ugly real fast.”

“Sik, the medic’s here.” Serim punctuates, “Also Seungwoo, you’ve a phone call from Yohan Kim. He says it’s urgent.” 

Seungsik scoffs, “For real? We should just let him bleed to death. What do you think, noona?”

Serim shakes her head, “I guess we’re all about to go jobless after this mess.”

“Don’t worry.” Seungwoo takes the phone from her hand, “If you could get enough people to testify against him. we’ll take this to court, it’s the least I can do.”

“Fantastic, I know a good lawyer. Now somebody get him out of my fucking dressing room.”

//

Seungwoo cannot exactly remember what happened a few days ago. Among other things, he seems to have lost a concrete grasp of time. Though he could still remember how Seungyoun’s dark hair looked against his ecru sheets, he could still remember how a drunken flush settled beautifully on Seungyoun’s cheeks, he could still remember the feeling of Seungyoun’s skin under his palms. Yet it all feels like an eternity has lapsed since.

Seungyoun’s still on white sheets now, but his face is pale in sleep. Without a trace of makeup on his visage, Seungwoo finally notices every little flaw. His chest clenches painfully. He loves Seungyoun so much that it physically hurts to see him like this.

_Seungyoun’s in the ER. _Yohan told him earlier. The photographer’s exhaustion was clear even on the other end of the line. _Hangyul called to tell me. Says some anti, I presume your anti, put chlorine into his drink. _Seungwoo’s hands were immediately ice cold. _He’s stable now. But Seungwoo, if you don’t act fast enough this won’t be the last of it. The company isn’t even doing anything to protect Seungyoun at this point. They refuse to condemn whoever did this because they don’t want to bring even more heat to his and your name. Do something Seungwoo, do it soon. _

The hospital suite houses no one but Seungyoun’s sleeping figure and Seungwoo who is sat on a chair beside Seungyoun’s bed. It is silent. Seungwoo could hear his own thoughts screaming at him. He puts a hand over his face and muffles his cries. His entire body quakes and he cannot stop himself. He openly sobs and he hears how raw he sounds. He suddenly remembers being twenty-two trying to stifle his tears underneath scalding showers, he remembers how horribly he had felt after he had allowed himself to be used. He remembers a regret that tasted so incredibly bitter on his tongue.

What goes around comes around and maybe this is his penance.

Fingers through his hair, “Seungwoo hyung?”

His eyes meet Seungyoun’s familiar amber gaze. He blinks, wills the tears away but it’s all futile. _“Seungyoun.”_

Seungyoun sits up and he clutches his head. “Wow _shit_, that was some fucking hardcore apple juice. I thought I was gonna die.”

Seungwoo gives him a watery smile and realizes that merely a week stood between the eve of Seungyoun’s twenty-third birthday and all the shit show that followed right after .

“Do you need me to call the doc?”

“I’m fine hyung.” Seungyoun grits his teeth and bites back a groan. When did we all start saying _fine _when we actually meant, _everything is fucked up, “_It’s been a crazy week. Insane.”

“I know an apology will never suffice for what you’ve gone through but I am truly so fucking sorry, Seungyoun.” Despite the implications of their situation, Seungwoo’s voice remains flat, toneless and without an inflection of feeling. He inhales. “If I was against this idea from the very beginning you wouldn’t have to go through this hell with me. None of this would have happened to you. I’m really sorry, Youn. I’m sorry I can’t do anything to at least cushion the blow. I’m so fucking sorry.”

Seungyoun does not speak a thing for sometime. He stares at the window, eyes trained onto the yellow tulips in the vase near the window. His expression is open and Seungwoo sees every pain.

“You don’t need to apologize, Seungwoo hyung.” Seungyoun says yet he does not meet Seungwoo’s gaze. “No use crying over spilled milk. Though it’s mildly irritating that even after all the things that’s been said and done, I still don’t know you. But at the same time, it occurred to me that I have no right to ask these sort of things about your personal life. I guess I got so caught up in it a tad too much. It’s easy to forget the part where you don’t care about me, since you don’t have to. At the end of the day, the truth is that we’re both simply strangers turned casualties of this fucking industry. What happened was brutal, but I can’t fully say I didn’t expect it either.”

Seungwoo cannot readily decide which hurt more; Seungyoun indirectly dismissing all that’s transpired between them, or the fact that his singular source of joy is evading him faster than fine sand through his fingers. But Seungyoun is otherwise correct. Seungwoo’s emotions cannot come into play at this time without further complicating the situation. Seungyoun even made it easier for him, after all Seungyoun’s convinced that even in Seungwoo’s most vulnerable state, it was still an act. He made it easier for Seungwoo to step away without compromising anything.

It wasn’t an act, not even from the beginning.

“But can I tell you that it still hurt?” Seungyoun continues and his voice breaks at the tail end of his statement. “I have no right to feel like this but hyung, _fuck, _I am in love with you. I don’t think there was a point where I had to force things. It was real hyung, everything was real on my side. I never meant for any of this to happen but somewhere along this entire fucking mess I found a side you never showed the cameras and I fell in love with it. I fell in love with _you. _I love you so much hyung and the fact that you don’t feel the same is shredding me to pieces.”

“Seungyoun please --”

The idol faces him and whatever Seungwoo would reply to that statement dies on his lips at the sight of Seungyoun’s misery.

“Is that alright with you hyung? Can you not dismiss my feelings so casually? I don’t need you to feel the same. I don’t need you to love me back, but at least let me be at peace with this.”

It is better this way. Seungwoo’s emotions does not have to matter, real or not it won’t save him from the repercussions of his past. In retrospect, it might even bring more harm than good. No one’s going to believe that a monster like Seungwoo Han -- who sexually assaulted women, who was involved in prostitution and drugs -- is in love with someone as faultless as Seungyoun. The monster is in love with an angel. Oh how romantic. But this isn’t a drama. Worst case scenario, Seungyoun will receive even more open condemnation for allowing himself to be fooled.

It’s better to cut their ties here where damage control is possible.

After all, Seungwoo’s life has always been a constant adjustment to other people’s thoughts and judgments. This time, he would rather keep everything to himself. Seungyoun doesn’t need to know the truth lest he get himself needlessly involved. Everything up to this point has been Seungwoo’s doing and the right thing to do is fix it himself. In one final act of valiance, he will save Seungyoun and walk to hell himself.

From the beginning they were destined to a glorious car crash end.

“I’m sorry Seungyoun.”

_You’re god at this. This reality is your set. Cameras blink red. _

_Action. _

“You don’t have to apologize, hyung.”

“No, I’m sorry that you’re caught up in this mess. I promise you, I will fix it. From now on, you don’t have to worry about anything.” Seungwoo can hear the ice in his own voice, the apathy that rubs salt into every wound he tries to forget. “Trust me, Seungyoun. I will fix it.”

Seungyoun is silent, breath caught at the back of his throat. “Do I mean so little to you, hyung? Don’t you think I deserve the truth? Don’t you think I deserve to know?”

“It is what it is, Seungyoun and I am truly sorry. I never knew this would happen. But I guess, what goes around always comes around.”

Seungyoun sucks in an unstable breath, his head bowed and his shoulders slumped. Seungwoo desires nothing else but to hold him.

“I’m sorry, Seungyoun. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. I was stupid, I got caught up in it. Forget about everything I said, _sunbae. _None of it matters now.”

Nothing lances deeper than the knowledge of the hurt he has inflicted but there is nothing that can be done other than to quietly step back, Seungyoun will eventually thank him for this. Before he stands up, he silently puts a small velvet box on Seungyoun’s bed. “It was a part of your birthday gift. Something to remember me by.” Inside the box is a thin silver band. It was previously displayed behind a glass window in a Swedish antique shop. The history of the jewelry brought intrigue for its tragic air of romance. Then, it was simply a story. Seungwoo never would have known that merely days later, the ring would be an insignia for his own life.

“Good bye, Seungyoun.”

//

The Life and Times of Han Seungwoo: The Actor of the Decade

[continued]

“He was a brilliant boy.” 

Those were the words of director Kang. It is simply surprising that despite the truth, Kang still regards Seungwoo as the epitome of what a movie star should be. By now, you my dear reader, must be confused. What truth? What has Seungwoo hidden from us all these years? I had such burning questions myself. What sort of secrets did the ever pristine Seungwoo Han, hide?

Director Kang had a most profound look on his face. Sadness was on the forefront of my mind but upon a closer look, it was not sadness but a disappointment that stemmed from anger. By this time, I was mildly intrigued.

“He started on the right foot, heading onto a good path. I guess everyone in the industry started with the same passion, with the same respect for their craft. I’m not saying that everyone will survive but it’s not usually the most idealistic who hits it big. I have to say though that Seungwoo was idealistic. He had such sparkling high hopes. You wouldn’t dare dash that sort of hope from the beginning.”

By this time, I was not just mildly intrigued. I was thoroughly confused. The director immediately took pity and his next words would eventually floor most of you.

“I worked with Seungwoo before and after his success. I never would have imagined that he could be capable of something so incredibly heinous. For as long as I knew him, I believed that he wouldn’t allow fame to get into his head and let it to control him. It never occurred to me, not even once, that he would get so wrapped up in his success that he would think he was above the law.”

I could not fully explain my shock. His words completely rendered me speechless. Director Kang’s candor did not fully hide his hurt and I could only assume that if you have been catching up with the news lately and you are a big Seungwoo fan, you will not like the truth. These days, a series of incriminating articles had been steadily popping up slowly but surely revealing the ugly past of a certain ‘A’ and never in my wildest dreams did I think that ‘A’ would be Seungwoo Han, the most celebrated actor for nearly a decade.

Now look at all these people you have put on the highest pedestal and really think. Behind their seemingly perfect lives hide a past that we will never know. So think, really think.

//

Dispatch: “‘A’ is Seungwoo Han?”

****[+156711, -22980] ****but think, if A is Seungwoo and with all the news lately, why hasn’t a single victim come forward? Don’t you think that’s odd? I’m still taking all of these with a grain of salt.

****[+100342, -12323]**** brb slowly burning everything related to seungwoo. i’m cursing him. I hope he rots in jail. I can’t believe that I was so in love with him. Thinking about those years make my skin crawl.

****[+90323, -11902] ****I don’t know. The fact that no one, except a has been director, came forward to allegedly prove the rumors doesn’t sit too well with me. Sure, I don’t trust anyone but I’m giving Seungwoo the benefit of doubt until he’s proved to be innocent, otherwise I truly hope he goes to jail.

****[+89011, -20500] ****I can’t believe Seungyoun is involved with him. It’s disgusting. They’re both disgusting. Maybe they’re even doing drugs together? Fuck, just die already.

//

Worldwide Trends

1 #WeWantTheTruth

2 Seungwoo

3 #RemoveSeungyoun

4 disgusting

5 #X1Disband

6 Seungyoun

7 actors

8 WHAT THE FUCK

9 Kang Sangwoo

10 Yohan Kim

//

Yohan Kim @photoyohan

_[image attached] _

It’s all a fucking lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, sorry it's taking me so long to finish. hopefully, some of the confusion from the last chapter can be cleared with this update. i will also try to put up aqua lung's next chapter sometime this coming week. hopefully nothing happens ayy. 
> 
> hopefully, ya'lls quarantine isn't as miserable as mine. don't go out if possible, wash your hands always, don't touch your face and drink lots of water. stay safe ryeonseungists. 
> 
> twitter @showmyun

**Author's Note:**

> i cry over seungwoo and x1 on twitter. talk to me @showmyun


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